Dr Tanya's Top Tips :angry:

My son is 8 years old and is an angel for my husband but whenever he is with me he hits me and shouts at me. I have tried to ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good but over the past few weeks the bahaviour is 100% bad so how do I ignore him completely? I get very frustrated and sad and when I ask him why he is like it with me his answer is "I don't know"! Any tips anyone can offer would be really helpful.

I think it is your husbands duty to intervene and tell your son that his behaviour towards you makes him very sad. At 8 he is quite capable of playing one off against the other and you need to have a united front.When he hits you or shouts at you tell him Daddy will know about it and make sure Daddy takes him to task about it...by taking away treats or grounding or whatever discipline you use. Also let him see how much you love each other and him and let him know it is the behaviour you dislike and not him.

Thanks for your reply but we have tried this and he always promises he will be better towards me. Taking away treats and things does not make any difference. I should have said earlier that he does not have AHAD or anything like that but does have a very short attention span and also attention seeking behaviour but the hospital just keep telling me he's a normal boisterous boy! I know it won't always be like this but I sometimes feel that he is punishing me for working ( I don't have a choice and do leave early to collect him from school). I am the one that takes him to his clubs etc and even the threat of stopping those doesn't seem to affect him. I can't be the only person experiencing this but sometimes that's what it feels like - I feel sad.

Have you found anything that triggers this behaviour towards you and not your husband? I have had children with these behavioural problems and what worked best for me is to completely ignore the child when he is in these moods telling him that you cannot talk to him until he stops bullying you, go away from him read a book or something but keep ignoring him until he calms down , this needs to be dealt with now or he will just continue thinking that bullying works, is he being bullied at school? Good luck.

I to had a son that did not like me going to work, he was withdrawn and not very good a mixing with his peers and ended up being bullied in the seniors. It made me fell guilty,but needs must. It must be very worrying for you.Have you watched him at play with his friends as mums can see more into the interaction beteen children.

Hello
I know what you're going through - I have a son the same. Perhaps you should talk to your doctor again but about 'you' and your feelings. You are obviously distressed. Are you 'stressed' at home / work though?He may be picking up on this.
My son seems to become 'possessed' with evil when he starts on me. I used to wrack my brains trying to think what it could be, and noticed a pattern of fizzy drinks, certain sweets, certain foods. I cut pop from him for a week and despite the protests eventually we noticed a difference. It sends him high as a kite and makes him aggressive. It takes about 2 days to come down after even a small bottle.

It is heart breaking as you don't know what to do and sometimes wish you could run away. You've obviously taken some steps because you mention the hospital.

Although I argue back I try not to but i cannot let it sit without trying to sort it out. But when I reached breaking point and stormed out of the house in tears - my husband knew enough was enough. He used to sit there ignoring us shouting and screaming and go and play on his computer games, which used to 'p' me off big time. I also have a daughter who's 9 who used to sit in her room upset because she was helpless despite trying sometimes.

Also, if you threaten to stop things - carry them out - no matter how much aggro it causes at the time. Just a point I've just remembered from my son - does he play on computer games? My son watches the hubby play on some which are really beyond his ability but then tries himself and he gets so frustrated when he can't do them so takes it out on someone else. My son is also 8 now. He has been like this for about 18 months but come to think of it, his aggressive moods haven't appeared for about 3-4 weeks now and that can be attributable to 2 things - i haven't been working overtime as much and so have been around to 'keep order', or to his not playing the 'older' games on computer.

I did find out he was being picked on at school or his so called friends saying he couldn't join in their games and so he sat alone at play time. But it's really hard to get to the bottom of.
I really hope you sort it out - I doubt it's something they just 'grow out of' - usually there is a reason but persevere, and you have to remember he's only 8 and still a little boy. Also, he's having a hard time trying to deal with his emotions too as he doesn't understand what's happening to him or how to control them.
Sue H.

programme on t.v.to.night , it was an eye opener on how perents were helped by a nanny on how to cope,one mum and dad had
four children all young and demanding. My son was bullied from early age,was it because he was an only child and probably had quite a lot of toys, or no siblings to support,him, I have thought over all kinds of reasons in my mind over the years. We did change his school where he meet new friends, settle in well and grew more confident. The friends he made are still around now that they have all grown up. It is such a worry when a youngester is unhappy and bottles it up, children can be so nasty to one another.

Three years ago roughly my son pulled down his trousers an pants in public he did it for a dare he was reported to the police by a woman who was walking past wtih her young daughter hes now 9 years old and now the social services are treating him like a paedofile an me like im the worst mum in the world i talked to him at the time an explain that is not something you do in pubic and nothing like that has happened since now im at my wits end trying to explain to them that it was just a naoghty prank

Hello “UK Style user”

I came here by accident, well the “anti-smacking law” been past by New Zealand government at the moment I can not get over the attitude of people protesting over the law change, there must be some real “sad” people around read more her [link] , I do not have any qualifications to back up what I say apart from my own boyhood memories, I hope you don't mind, by the way the name is not my real name I invented it for some electronic articles I wrote for a magazine a few years I suppose I could of used “DHT” here in place of the name, but that would taken all the fun out it.

It appears to me that your son is trying to tell you something (oh I hope he has grown out of it by now) He knows why he hits you maybe he does not want to tell you because this will start a discussion between you and him and he will loose out like he has always done in the past. This will make it harder for him to hit you in the future because the secret is out and you will have a better reason to fight back (verbally I hope). This reminds me of a problem I had when I was growing up ”as you get very much older you shrink” My mothers mother was well she looked tall maybe it was because she was thin, and saw her on a weekly basis, my fathers mother was shorter and overweight and saw her like once a year or during school holidays (I believe NZ has shorter and more holidays than the UK). Each time she saw me she said “you are getting taller” I took the meaning the wrong way, I could not talk to anyone about this problem I could never trust anyone enough thinking they would tell my grandmother I said “she is getting old”. Fortunately I grow out of the problem I worked it out myself.

Now getting back to your problem is there something happening at home and your son thinks “I will get my mother back when dad is not around “ I don't know maybe I am dreaming, I have never wanted to hit my mother, the step father did, my father died when I was a few years old, the step father was separated after just a few years of marriage.

Now there was one thing that used to bug me when my mother did her shopping and I was about the age of your son now, when she went into a womans clothing shop, I never said anything or never protested in anyway just having put up with the bad with rest of it. Maybe your son is hitting you because he would prefer to do a “boys thing” than hung around with you.

I hope I have been helpful, I hope my proof reading has worked this time, it would be even better if your son has grown out of it by now

My son is now 9 and I have found out, since posting my first log, that he has Dyspraxia. Having found out what this actually it, it explains so much. I now know how to handle my son and he is getting more help at school which is taking a lot of pressure off him.

He is no longer labled "the naughty boy" and teachers are more tolerant of him now they know what the problem is.

He is improving towards me but he still has some outbursts - only to suddenly realise he has gone too far. He still doesn't know what triggers him but I have been informed by his consultant that this is due to his dyspraxia and it will improve as he learns to cope with his anger.

He should be getting counselling soon which will help so things are looking up.

After all he is still my lovely boy, we just need to work things out together.

Thanks for all your input

I see, I hope you don't mind my sick humor, (well the part about mothers been always right is not so sick) some of my friends say it is a bit dry. I had a friend who told me the orange flavoring put in soft drink makes children go hyper active and misbehave, he did not know this until he witnessed it on his friend and her child) he said some countries have banned it, but it is still sold in New Zealand, but no doubt your medical people have covered all that.

So I am sorry it was not a quick fix and my dry humor was not able to help, Tonight (it is Monday 8:50pm as I post this) I rang up a friend who has three young boys, they have not seen “little angles” seen on TV, they are opposed to the “anti-smacking law” been past in parliament at the moment because they don't like been told how to raise their children. I am not sure if I should include a story I just sent off the Editor of a newspaper