Hi Debbie

Last year I met somebody over the internet and would like to see if we can take things further - we're both divorced and in our late thirties and seem ideally suited. We've been in touch for six months and have spoken many times on the phone. Now, here's the tricky bit... she's in Thailand and I live in the UK. I plan to visit her in the summer, and she would like to do a return visit here. I've mentioned this to friends and they've been quite sceptical, saying she just wants to get together for a visa. This was really hurtful, but at the same time it's got me thinking. What if I'm making a mistake?

Thanks for your advice!

David

UKTV Style's Agony Aunt replies:

Hi David,

How sad that we live in a world where everyone is constantly presuming the worst of everyone. A little scepticism is, of course, advisable - especially in matters of the heart, but I think you need to find a way through your friends' cynicism and your own natural desire to fall in love and live happily ever after.

There is no doubt that women (and men too presumably!) do use relationships with UK residents to get visas and rights of residence, but that doesn't mean that all women from other countries are bound to have such base motives. The key with any new relationship, whether they live in Thailand or round the corner, is to take it slowly and get to really know someone before you make any lasting commitments.

It's interesting that you use the verb 'met' when describing your online/phone friendship. The only problem is that you haven't actually met, so you don't really know this person. You think you know her, but the reality may be quite different to the image she is projecting of herself on email and on the phone. It is so easy to strike up an apparent intimacy with someone in this way precisely because it is not 'real'. So perhaps your friends are right to be a little sceptical. Have they seen you rush into romances too quickly before? Have you, perhaps, since your divorce, been on the look out for 'the one'?

I think you need to step back a little and take things slowly. You say you plan to visit her this summer. So go - you're not committing yourself by doing that. Just see where she lives and how she lives; meet her family and friends. Try, if you can, to keep a little of yourself back and don't get swept away by the romance of the place, or her sparkling almond eyes. When she comes to visit you - introduce her to your family and friends. See how they all get along - but make sure they don't pre-judge her too much. Really this is just normal relationship stuff, about getting to know someone. What you don't need to do is propose marriage straight away. If she seems to be pushing you into making this kind of commitment before you feel comfortable, your friends' concerns may be justified.

They are just trying to protect you from making a mistake which could be costly both financially and emotionally. In the end, though, only you can judge this situation and only you can make the final decision. So take it easy, enjoy it while it lasts, but most important of all - follow your instincts.

Best of luck!

Debbie