Dear Debbie,

I am in my thirties and quite a few of my friends are now settling down, getting pregnant and having babies. I am waiting for this big wave of maternal instinct to hit me at any moment but so far... nothing. I know my biological clock is ticking away, but for some reason, I can't seem to hear it. In fact, I sometimes think that I may not want children at all. Is there something wrong with me? I don't want to regret not having kids years from now when it's too late! Should I just go ahead and get pregnant even though I'm not 100% sure?

I really need your advice!

Jen

UKTV Style's Agony Aunt replies:

Hi there Jen,

This is a really hard question to answer - because it is about the most important decision you will ever have to make in your life. First off, it has to be said, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have children. They are all-consuming, demanding, expensive, and once you've got them, you never stop worrying about them. And that's the good bit! But, seriously, the issue of regretting your decision is a tough one - and you are quite right to think things through now. I cannot make your decision for you - you will have to explore your heart and talk things through with those closest to you, but perhaps I can tell you a little about my own experience and that may help you see what you might be missing if you don't take the plunge now.

I was 34 when I had my first child and, like you, had not heard the clock ticking particularly loudly. I was a successful career woman, with a lovely house, nice boyfriend (now husband!), loads of friends, gym membership, foreign travel - blah, blah. Nevertheless, I realised, as you do now, that if I was going to have a child, I would have to make a decision fairly swiftly. Fortunately for me, once the agonising was over and I had decided to 'go for it', my boyfriend, whilst not gagging for a baby himself, was prepared to back whatever decision I made. Inevitably, things weren't straightforward - it took me nine months to conceive, during which time I became terrified that I might not be able to do it at all! Finally, the line in the pregnancy test turned pink, and whilst ecstatic at first, I was then plunged into despair and anxiety at what I had taken on. That feeling of panic lasted several months - until I was about four months into the whole thing, after which I went into happy, content mummy mode - and essentially, I've been like that ever since! Now I have two beautiful children, who are basically the centre of my life.

The reason for telling you my story is that you should know that many women feel anxious about whether to have a child. It's not always straightforward - perhaps you don't have a stable partner, maybe your job has just got to a really interesting, demanding phase, or maybe you just, as you say, don't really want one yet.

What you need to do is to try to look ahead and imagine yourself at 50; think what you will be doing with your life, if you don't have children now. If you see yourself fulfilled either by work, or some other passion, then maybe children aren't for you. I do know women who don't have them, most of whom, it has to be said, seem fairly passionate about animals instead!

But, if you yearn for the security of a family, for snuggling up with your kids watching telly, for having the joy of watching them grow and mature into young adults that you can be proud of. If you like the idea of holding a baby to your breast, or can imagine playing with them, reading with them, exploring the world with them or just watching them sleep - then don't hesitate now. When you're 50 it will be too late...

Good luck with your decision!

Debbie