Dear Debbie,

There's a bloke in my office I really fancy and we get on quite well, though I have a hunch he might be gay. Is there any way I can tell if he is, without actually asking him?

Thanks,
Shelly

UKTV Style's Agony Aunt replies:

Hi there Shelly,

Well, the short answer is no - not really. There is no secret code to people's sexuality. Gay guys don't all go around looking like characters in Little Britain, and we are all guilty of presuming things about people that are really wide of the mark. To be honest, I don't think you actually need to come out and ask him something so provocative anyway. What you need to determine is whether there is any 'spark' between you. Getting on well is one thing, but chemistry is quite another, and it could be, that gay or not, he just does not fancy you!

You won't really find out unless you get to spend a little time with him. Why don't you suggest a night out sometime - but don't make it an obvious date? Suggest that you go out with a group of people from your office. This will provide you with an opportunity to talk to him away from the office environment and find out a little more about him. As with any 'new friend' - either male or female - you need to talk about various aspects of your lives and share stories and intimacies. This is how friendships develop and after all, a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is just another kind of friendship. If he is gay, he will doubtless be sensitive to people seeking confirmation of his sexuality and this first foray into conversation about his private life may well reveal a regular lover or boyfriend, or even revelations of his past. On the other hand, he may just clam up and feel pressured by any probing - and this would probably indicate that he wants to keep his private life that way - and that could be the case whether he was straight or gay!

Ultimately, I think you need to let him do some of the running. If, when you are out, your instincts tell you that the vital spark is there, then start with a little gentle flirting and see where it takes you. If he is gay, he will let you know soon enough. On the other hand, if he's straight and fancies you too - then you may be about to embark on a great relationship!

Best of luck!

Debbie