Hi,

I am a 26 year old professional, having gone through years of study, experience and hard work in my chosen profession. I have recently been employed into the job of my dreams, which I am enjoying very much. I did not go to private school and like the majority of young professionals out there I have not come from a privileged background. I am finding it a setback to settling into my new job that my cultural knowledge and etiquette are not up to the standard of my colleagues. I have found it frustrating searching for schools or tutors that specialise in manners and social skills. If anyone out there knows of any schools or tutors involved with this, or if anyone has any advice for me I would be grateful.

Thank you,
Barb

UKTV Style's Agony Aunt replies:

Hi there Barb,

I have to say I find it rather touching that in this day and age, people are still concerned about improving their etiquette! There is a huge difference between manners and social skills - the first being very simple, the second rather more complex.

Good manners put very simply, involve learning to behave in such a way that you would not cause offence to another. In so doing you learn to think about other people rather than yourself and see yourself as others might see you. Essential basics of good manners include things like saying please and thank you, not eating with your mouth open, or interrupting others when they are speaking.

Etiquette, however, is a little more complex - and covers issues like which knife and fork to use at an elaborate dinner, how to address people, the correct wines to serve with particular foods and so on.

Social skills are more complex still - and although some aspects of this can be learnt, a lot of it is to do with an innate ability - to pick up on what the person you are talking to wants to talk about, and thus engage them, keep their interest and so on. Part of this involves being sensitive to others, and knowing how to listen to someone properly - making them feel really important. The other side of the coin is to be able to make intelligent and relevant interjections, which requires a certain amount of knowledge about a wide range of subjects. There is really no shortcut here except to read as widely as possible.

Don't fret though, because there is help out there. Heather Pickering runs a small company called Protocol Plus, based in Northampton. For the price of a rail ticket and £150 you can get a private three hour session covering everything from dining etiquette (including how to eat difficult food!), introductions, invitations, thank you letters, grooming and making conversation - which also involves 'how to avoid making cross-cultural clangers'! She starts each session with a questionnaire, to highlight particular strengths and weaknesses and although she offers follow up services, finds that one session is enough for most clients. Her phone number is 01604 720297 or check out Protocol Plus.

All the best,
Debbie.