Hi Debbie,

We are having problems with our 15-year-old daughter. She was found by the police the other night at 12pm with four chaps and no other girls. God only knows what she was up to. She plays up and disappears and gets people to cover and lie for her. What should we do? How can we put her back on the right track without her thinking we are dictating?

Thanks.

UKTV Style's Agony Aunt replies:

Hi there,

What a difficult situation. Your daughter is at an age where she clearly believes that she is old enough to handle her own life. Unfortunately, she is patently unable to do so. What young people need to understand is that if they want to be treated like grown-ups then they have to behave like adults too.

Adults don't lie about their whereabouts to their loved ones and get others to lie for them. That's the behaviour of a naughty child and quite honestly, naughty children deserve to be punished, or at least have their privileges taken away from them.

So you really have no option but to ground her - if you can. I appreciate, though, that this could be difficult. Explain too how anxious and frightened you are when she disappears. It could be that, like a disobedient toddler, she is pushing the boundaries and is in fact desperate to be contained and protected - brought back into line if you like.

Your daughter needs to find some meaning for her life other than hanging around with unsuitable guys. She needs an ambition, to have something to dream about and aim for. Try talking to her about what she wants to achieve in her life. If school bores her, perhaps she could find success some other way - through drama, singing or sport. All children, particularly teenagers, need something to focus on that is outside of the family, that they can be proud of.

Make it clear that you will support her. If she can see that you are on her side, and are prepared to be both her friend and advisor and not just her jailor, she may start to turn her life around.

In the end, if she is determined to go her own way, there really is nothing you can do - but if she realises that she is loved, and more importantly, that you believe in her and want her to succeed, then she may learn to respect herself and take control of her life.

Good luck.

Debbie