Ask The Expert
Keeping the Faith
Losing trust in someone you really love can be very scary and very stressful. But before you make any rash decisions, sit down and talk. The most important thing is to communicate!
Dear Debbie,
My wife has started going flying with a guy who works delivering helicopters in his spare time. At first I was okay with her going but before I knew it she was talking about going for a weekend in France. When I put my foot down she got annoyed saying she's got no commitments at weekends as our kids are grown up.
She's recently changed her image and hairstyle and has even told me her work mates have asked her if she's seeing him. I know she's been calling him but when I confronted her she got really nasty and said if I don't trust her and that we should break up. She made me feel like I'd done something wrong!
Please give me some advice as to what to do or say as I am losing sleep over this.
Thanks.
UKTV Style's Agony Aunt replies:
Hi there,
I am very sorry that you're so upset, but it's very understandable. I'm afraid there is not going to be an easy solution here, but it is important that you try to get a little bit of perspective on your situation - which I realise is very hard. Let me see if I can help you to do that.
First off, you don't actually know that your wife is having an affair with this pilot, but she is clearly enjoying a rather close friendship with him. He is obviously taking a big interest in her - making her feel special, whisking her off in his helicopter and so on. He has given her the impetus to change her clothes and hair, to feel 'good' about herself, which is something that all of us need, particularly when we have been in a relationship for a long time - as you two obviously have. She is also, I suspect, feeling unsettled and possibly, guilty, about it - hence her flying off the handle when you challenged her.
What you do about it, very much depends on how you feel about her and the strength of your relationship. So, you need to ask yourself some searching questions: If you want her to stay in your life, if you love her desperately and feel that your relationship before this man came along was good and loving and worth saving, then I think you need to let her go a little. You cannot, as they say, 'cage a wild bird'. If you try to prevent her from seeing her new friend, checking her phone all the time and so on, you will simply drive her away.
My wife has started going flying with a guy who works delivering helicopters in his spare time. At first I was okay with her going but before I knew it she was talking about going for a weekend in France. When I put my foot down she got annoyed saying she's got no commitments at weekends as our kids are grown up.
She's recently changed her image and hairstyle and has even told me her work mates have asked her if she's seeing him. I know she's been calling him but when I confronted her she got really nasty and said if I don't trust her and that we should break up. She made me feel like I'd done something wrong!
Please give me some advice as to what to do or say as I am losing sleep over this.
Thanks.
UKTV Style's Agony Aunt replies:
Hi there,
I am very sorry that you're so upset, but it's very understandable. I'm afraid there is not going to be an easy solution here, but it is important that you try to get a little bit of perspective on your situation - which I realise is very hard. Let me see if I can help you to do that.
First off, you don't actually know that your wife is having an affair with this pilot, but she is clearly enjoying a rather close friendship with him. He is obviously taking a big interest in her - making her feel special, whisking her off in his helicopter and so on. He has given her the impetus to change her clothes and hair, to feel 'good' about herself, which is something that all of us need, particularly when we have been in a relationship for a long time - as you two obviously have. She is also, I suspect, feeling unsettled and possibly, guilty, about it - hence her flying off the handle when you challenged her.
What you do about it, very much depends on how you feel about her and the strength of your relationship. So, you need to ask yourself some searching questions: If you want her to stay in your life, if you love her desperately and feel that your relationship before this man came along was good and loving and worth saving, then I think you need to let her go a little. You cannot, as they say, 'cage a wild bird'. If you try to prevent her from seeing her new friend, checking her phone all the time and so on, you will simply drive her away.
