Do your own Extreme Makeover

Step 1: Think big
The key's in the title here... Extreme Makeover. That means really, really big. So you're going to have to do your best to think like an American while you formulate your makeover plan. For example: why go mirror crazy in an attempt to make a room look bigger when you can create real space by simply bulldozing a few walls? Why not install an individual basin for every single member of your eight-strong household? Whatever your plan, remember that overblown dramatic themes, kitschy ''home cinemas'', caravan-sized American fridges and ''tribute walls'' are all de rigeur, and will lend your scheme a certain Extreme Makeover authenticity.

Step 2: Take a week off work
Yes, for that genuine Extreme Makeover sense of panic whilst rushing against the clock, you will only be allowed one week for a makeover that would ordinarily take about four months. You will be redecorating every single room, plus overhauling the exterior and landscaping the garden. But before you fly into a screaming panic, read step three...

Step 3: Enlist help
Several hundred of your closest mates should do it, but do try and be selective. Be sure to choose real architects, builders, electricians, plumbers, carpet fitters, interior designers and so on, over those who simple indulge in a little light DIY at weekends. You won't have a moment free to kiss any inexperienced hammered fingers better.

Step 4: Procure a megaphone
Once you've set your team to work, make sure you chivvy things along a bit by periodically megaphoning ''Okay people... only X hours until we need to be finished'' in your best American accent. Throwing in a few ''awesomes'' and engaging in the occasional high-five should also annoy your helpers into working a bit faster.

Step 5: Have a designers' hissy fit
It's absolutely vital to stage an overemotional designers' tantrum. This will convince everybody involved that poncing about in frou-frou leopard-print trousers and sending out for decaffeinated soya milk lattés is actually a much harder job than it looks. Bolder DIYers might even like to choreograph a dramatic storming-out walk.

Step 6: Get your shriek on... it's reveal time
Once you've packed your tired helpers off home and the dust has settled, it's time for the dramatic reveal. This is often the hardest part for the Extreme Makeover DIYer, as technically, you've already seen the fruits of your labours. Luckily, you can detract from this fact by playing some twinkly LeAnn Rimes music as you wander around your new and improved Extreme pad, opening each door and shrieking ''Omigaaad'' at the top of your voice.