1: Motivational speaker

The president understands what it takes to get somewhere in life. For him, every day is a mission accomplished, and he can swiftly sum up his winning philosophy in a few words. "I hope the ambitious realise they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."

That, and his ability to shoulder responsibility ("My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I make a lot of decisions"), make him ideally suited to a career as a life coach. We expect he'll be in great demand as a motivational speaker. And let's not forget his wide understanding of how industry works. As he once said: "The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place."

We couldn't have put it better ourselves.

2: Consonant promoter

What do George W Bush and Malcolm X have in common? That's right – both are mainly known for their consonant activism. Others who have worked tirelessly in this field include Mr T, M. Night Shyamalan, Q from Star Trek, and J.R.R.R.R. Tolkien.

The president's consonant of choice is of course W – an obscure letter many refused to believe existed before Bush gave it a new lease of life as "Dubya". It has since been officially declared "king of consonants" by an international body of linguists. The president could rake it in as a jet-setting W-promoter, giving talks and bedding consonant groupies. And anyone who disagrees should mind their own Ps and Qs.

3: George W Bush impersonator

If there's one thing that people never get fed up of, it's a lazy and predictable George Bush impersonation. There's nothing like a comedian doing a lazy and predictable George Bush impersonation to make you emit guffaws of baboonish delight.

Which is good news for the president. For who is better equipped to perform George Bush impersonations than George Bush? He's got the face for it, and he doesn't even have to try very hard to sound like himself. He just opens his mouth out comes a voice uncannily like his own. Give him a TV show, we say. We won't of course, but someone should.

4: Children's author

The president has long understood the importance of instilling a love of literature in children. Indeed, he brilliantly summarised the point with a few well-chosen words: "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." Asked about his own favourite book as a child, the president revealed it had been The Very Hungry Caterpillar – a book whose undimmed brilliance does not quite negate the fact that it was published when he was in his 20s.

Let's face it – he's going to write a book anyway. They all do. At least if Dubya follows in the footsteps of Madonna, Kylie et al and trots out some drivel for tots, it'll save us adults from a sleazy kiss 'n' tell memoir. Plus, for once, he can legitimately claim that his unique way with words is a deliberate attempt to communicate with babies.

5: Male model

The president's status as a sex symbol is not in dispute. According to some polls (probably), women believe he oozes more delicious manliness than George Clooney, Phil Mitchell and Desperate Dan combined. Yet what many people – notably the sane, male, and heterosexual – don't see is his potential as a stunning bombshell.

Let's not forget that in his school years the future president was a cheerleader. Admittedly not of the skirted, pom-pom wielding kind, but he was a cheerleader and no man would willingly accept such a title unless he was prepared – nay, eager – to become some sort of luscious ladyboy in his post-presidential career. We're pretty sure we're right about this.