Jaws

Jaws is a timeless masterpiece, but there's no denying that Will Smith isn't in it. We're sure this fact has nagged many Hollywood execs, who've no doubt agonised over the money-making potential of Will Smith frantically punching the shark in the face while shouting "Ohhh no, you do not go putting those teeth in me!!" Add Angelina Jolie as a gun-toting, darkly alluring shark hunteress with an eye-patch, and it's money in the bank, people.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

This landmark Disney classic may have beautiful hand-drawn animation, but it has a fatal lack of smug, wisecracking characters voiced by much-loved Hollywood egomaniacs. The solution is a CGI remake with Chris Rock, Jack Black, and a token "worthy" British comedian (John Cleese?) as some of the Dwarves. And don't forget to slap on a generic emo-style soundtrack to utterly destroy any semblance of a fairy tale atmosphere. Job done.

From Russia with Love

Now that Daniel Craig’s resurrected 007, he should be given a stab at the greatest Bond film of them all. To reflect Daniel’s take on the character, it should be renamed From Russia with Shooting You in the Bloody Face, and the first half should be entirely given over to Bond smacking unidentified henchmen while glaring at the confused love interest. Sean Connery could appear as some sort of villain – preferably Russian, just so we can hear him not bother to sound anything but ridiculously Scottish.

A Clockwork Orange

Updating A Clockwork Orange is simple: just make it about a group of 12-year-old hoodies. Their language, technically known as "hoodese", is just as incomprehensible as the elaborate slang of the original film. The thing to remember is to ignore the stuff about free will and societal conformity, and just focus on people kicking each other's heads in while Beethoven blares in the background. That's all anyone really likes about the first film anyway.

Taxi Driver

Taxi Driver is way too slow for modern tastes. Too much subtle introspection, not enough people being shot in the neck. A remake is in order, but who would dare attempt to fill De Niro's shoes? The answer must be Nicolas Cage, who so bravely answered the call to desecrate The Wicker Man. His Taxi Driver would be a man of action… of laughter… of acting so hammy you could spread wholegrain mustard on it. And if Scorsese whines, we'll go right ahead and remake Goodfellas too.

Gone with the Wind

Re-making Gone with the Wind would present quite a challenge to today's directors, on account of the unfortunate amount of massive racism in the film. Now don't get us wrong – it's a great love story and boasts iconic performances from Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh. It's just a pity about all the massive racism. The only thing to do is remove the Deep South, pro-slavery context, which is easily accomplished by setting in Wolverhampton. And instead of the Civil War, we could have… oh, the poll tax riots or something. Someone'll watch it.

Star Wars (the good ones)

It’s high time some consistency was brought to the Star Wars films. One answer is to remake the original trilogy in the style of the new one. The script should be tweaked to extract as much chemistry as possible from the Han-Leia love story, with all flirty banter replaced by clunking declarations of undying love. Darth Vadar should strop and angst around like a Morrissey who’s just discovered he’s run out of Haagen-Dazs. And it should all take place in what seems to be the intro sequence for a computer game. Brill.