Billy quotes

"Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you."

"Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring."

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes."

"Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on."

On George W Bush: "That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television."

"Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

"What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?"

"Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'"