WC Fields quotes

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."

"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."

"I drink therefore I am."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

"Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it."

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."

"Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

On trekking abroad: "I lost my corkscrew and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days."

"There's no such thing as a tough child. Parboil them for seven hours and they always come out tender."