"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."

"I don't need you to remind me of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me."

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?"

"It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue."

On being gay: "As I was being born, I looked up at my mother and said: that's the last time I'm going up one of those."

"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive."

<> On airline food: "Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey – don't eat."

"Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties."

"No, you can't lick the system, but you can give it a damn good fondling."

"I think animal testing is cruel. They get all nervous and give silly answers."

"I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away."