"I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I'm not feeling so well myself."

"I have been complimented many times and it always embarrasses me; I always feel that they have not said enough."

"Familiarity breeds contempt — and children."

"I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction."

"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."

"There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting."

"Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it."

"Clothes maketh the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society."

"When red-haired people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn."