"If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?"

"How do you know it’s time to wash the dishes? Look inside your pants. If you find a penis in there, it’s not time. "

"I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity."

"They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth. But they can, if you hit them in the goolies with a cricket bat for 14 hours."

"British ferries have stopped transporting live animals to the Continent. This has made it very difficult for England fans to get to Away matches."

On baking a cake: "Cream six ounces of butter and caster sugar. Break three eggs and fold into mixture, add six ounces of flour, spoon into cake tins and cook at gas mark five. After 25 minutes remove from oven, pour on three glasses of brandy and add some cream. Add some more cream. Add some more cream. Serve with custard, ice cream and no friends."

On her lack of exercise: "I went along to the GP and said, 'I’m really worried, is there anything I can actually do?' He said, 'Don’t panic. Just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath.' So I started smoking again, and it’s really done the trick."

"All these programmes on telly about women being domestic goddesses are just not true, are they? I’d like to have a programme that truly represented how women approach the housework. And if I did, it would be called, 'F*ck it, that’ll do.'"