"In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight."

"I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars."

"I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your dead flowers."

"Unlike European mustards that bring out the subtle flavours of food, English mustard makes your nose bleed."

"I wish they'd stop improving car washes. They just keep adding to the choice on that menu. The super valet, super foam valet, super wax valet. When all you want is a button that says: Get this sh*t off my bonnet."

"I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs. Like custom officers."

"The film industry is like Anne Robinson. Always on the lookout for a new face."

"The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest."

"One of my friends went on a murder weekend. Now he's doing life for it."

"I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself laughing."