"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them… Well, I have others."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

To a writer he knew: "From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog."

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends... May they never meet!"