Peter Kay quotes

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."

"I went to the doctor with a steering wheel down my underpants. He said, 'What's happened?' I said, 'I dunno, but it's driving me nuts."

"Old women with mobile phones look wrong."

"If it's not one thing, it's your mother."

"My dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire'. Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade."

On wedding buffets: "Vol au vents, chicken legs, cheesecake. Vol au vents, chicken legs, cheesecake. That's all it is, same food repeated. Always reminds of Scooby Doo, the cartoon, where they always used to run down a corridor passing the same things. Plant, clock, plant, clock."

"Sex is like a game of bridge. If you don't get a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"You ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks? I swear now, you never get used to that."

"I'm not homophobic. I'm not scared of my house."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."

"My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

"I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder."