Carr quotes

"When someone close to you dies, move seats."

"I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing."

"The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling."

"Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheroes."

"Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation."

"A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done."

"I went to the dog races the other day. It was like Ascot for chavs."

"My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen."

"Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die."

"When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church."