Brand quotes

"It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony."

On respect for the Queen: "When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed."

"How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?"

"What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert."

"I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler."

"Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!"

"Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching."

"If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?"

On bad chat up lines: "Stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, "Get in the van."

"Remember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work."