Quotes: Paul Merton
Paul Merton
Looking like a slightly older, rounder and more baffled version of Harry Potter, Paul Merton has perfected a unique brand of comedy we might call "confused deadpan". He certainly rules the roost on Have I Got News For You, though a certain Mr Hislop may beg to differ.
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About Angus Deayton: His name is Angus. The G is silent.
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On David Cameron being sneezed on: This is what happens in this country. In America they assassinate people; here we just wipe snot on their backs. Fundamentally we're better people.
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I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?
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If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.
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The first Underground station ever opened was Baker Street in 1906. What was the point of that? Where would you go?
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There are various ways to give up smoking — nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
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My school days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
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I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other's post.
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My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her.
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I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
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On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?
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On reading the A to Z: Can't wait to see what happens at the end. The characters aren't up to much but the places, they seem so real.
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Am I the only one who's always tempted to light the wick on top of a beret?
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It's silly to make generalisations, but if you talk to anyone in the south for longer than five minutes, they will try to sell you fruit.
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