Quotes: Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers
Michael Parkinson once called her "the funniest woman in the world by a mile". OK, so he was introducing her on his show and sucking up just a tad, but there's no denying the greatness of Joan Rivers - the woman who's raised bitchiness to an art form.
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On Paris Hilton: All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.
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I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say: Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said: Get the hell off my property.
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I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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Grandchildren can be f\*\*king annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.
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