Quotes: Eddie Izzard
Eddie Izzard
He describes himself as an executive transvestite and a male tomboy. He's also called himself two lesbians trapped in a man's body, which would make an interesting premise for an avant-garde porn film. He's Eddie Izzard, master of the very strange one-liner.
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On pears: They're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. You think, I'll take them home and they'll ripen up. But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there going: No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room. Now ripen! Now now now!
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I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
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Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driving seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cos then you can take a sleep.
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On American pronunciation: You say erbs and we say herbs. Because, you know, there's an H in it.
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I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
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I've done a bit of Latin my time, but I can control it.
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There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that night time look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
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On the Empire: We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. I claim India for Britain. And they're going: You can't claim us. We live here. There's five hundred million of us. Ah, but do you have a flag? We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard.
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On big breasts: These are not implants. They're nice and squidgy but they're not implants. They're ims, but they're not planted. Just your regular common or garden ims.
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On the Reformation: Henry VIII went up to the Pope and said: Mr Pope I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her. Cut her head off. Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam.... and the Pope is saying: What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?
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