Quotes: Dylan Moran
Dylan Moran
Dylan Moran is a bit like the Keith Floyd of comedy: he has wacky hair, he quaffs wine on the job, and is prone to eloquent slurring. He was also in Black Books, which frankly makes him some kind of god. A slightly drunk god who would destroy us all if he could.
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On America: It's like the really bad flatmate of the world. Oh gee, sorry, did I break all your stuff? I didn't know it was yours. I'll replace it next week.
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Men are far more romantic than women. Men are the ones who'll say: 'I've found somebody. She's amazing. If I don't get to be with this person, I can't carry on. If I'm not with her I'll end up in a bedsit, I'll be an alcoholic.' And that's how women feel about shoes.
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Death Before Dishonour. Exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here? Because I could handle quite a lot.
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What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.
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When you say to a child, 'It's bedtime', what the child hears is: Go and lie down in the dark. For hours. I'm locking the door now.
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On male genitalia: It's horrible looking. Like some kind of deep sea fish that ate its own arse. What's going on down there? Why can't it be something nice like, say, a kitten's head? You could tickle its chin till it got sick - that would be alright.
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On releasing your potential: Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.
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On cooking: Nobody has the time. You come in from work and, if you're getting very adventurous, you think 'Tonight we will eat something that has two colours in it.' But you don't. You end up eating bread from the bag, dipping it in anything runnier than bread.
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I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.
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