Quotes: Charlie Brooker
Charlie Brooker
Charlie Brooker is the angriest, funniest TV critic in the land. He presents Screen Wipe, he co-wrote sitcom Nathan Barley and he doesn't suffer fools gladly. Actually he doesn't suffer anything gladly, as the following quotes will attest.
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The singer Gabriella once claimed 'dreams can come true', but she was lying. Dreams don't come true. If they did, the nation's offices would be full of people who'd accidentally turned up for work with no clothes on.
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Imagine forcing the cast of Emmerdale to hurriedly construct Las Vegas at gunpoint in the rain. That's Glastonbury.
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On the Coronation Street theme tune: The aural equivalent of having half-chewed, week-old Battenberg cake dribbled into your ear canal by a senile grandparent.
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On talent shows: A bit like watching a programme in which children queue up to be punched in the face by Father Christmas. Absolutely riveting for all the wrong reasons.
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TV cop Inspector Lynley seems to have taken the traditional British principle of keeping a 'stiff upper lip' and applied it to his entire head. He probably maintains the same rigid appearance at the point of orgasm, though it's as hard to envisage Lynley reaching climax as it is to picture, say, Peter Sissons in a similar situation.
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On Jamie Oliver: He's ultimately harmless. His idea of a coke-fuelled threesome is a glass of cola followed by a bacon, brie and avocado sandwich, and the only time you hear him growling 'You know you want it' is when he's holding a steaming roast lamb up to camera.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.
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On Ross Kemp: The moment Kemp walks onscreen he enters into a demented staring competition with everyone else in the room, including the viewers at home. He could out-stare a man with two glass eyes.
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Snakes. They're like bits of rope, only angrier.
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It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face.
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