Quotes: Billy Connolly
Billy Connolly
He's been a welder, a folk singer and an ambassador for unnecessarily long beards. Oh, and he's a bit of a comedian too. We pay homage to the one and only Billy Connolly, the Big Yin, whose jokes are as funny as haggis is foul.
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Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.
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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
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Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on.
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Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
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On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
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Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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