Witty Quotes
Quotes
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When you say to a child, 'It's bedtime', what the child hears is: Go and lie down in the dark. For hours. I'm locking the door now.
- Dylan Moran
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How do you know it’s time to wash the dishes? Look inside your pants. If you find a penis in there, it’s not time.
- Jo Brand
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As an Anglican, you don't lose your faith - you just can't remember where you left it.
- Jeremy Hardy
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I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
- Frankie Boyle
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The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- WC Fields
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Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
- Terry Pratchett
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Grandchildren can be f\*\*king annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.
- Joan Rivers
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I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers
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On satellite TV: I watch hours on end of the History Channel and Discovery Channel. Just back and forth, History Channel and Discovery Channel. Ask me anything about sharks and Nazis. Not as bad as a lot of people make out, actually. Sharks I mean, not Nazis. Sharks, brilliant. Nazis, rubbish.
- Ricky Gervais
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Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
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Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
- Frankie Boyle
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I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
- Tim Vine
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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time. Which is just long enough to be President of the United States.
- Spike Milligan
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- WC Fields
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Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- Ambrose Bierce
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The film industry is like Anne Robinson. Always on the lookout for a new face.
- Jack Dee
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When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
- Jimmy Carr
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I'm not homophobic. I'm not scared of my house.
- Peter Kay
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In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
- Douglas Adams
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Groucho Marx
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How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- Steven Wright
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Numbers written on restaurant bills within the confines of restaurants do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe.
- Douglas Adams
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My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.
- Victoria Wood
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He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say 'when'.
- PG Wodehouse
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On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.
- Bill Bailey
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How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
- Spike Milligan
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I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
- Jimmy Carr
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Good evening and thank you for your applause. There's still nothing I like more than a warm hand upon my entrance.
- Julian Clary
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.
- Joan Rivers
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Wags stand for Wives and Girlfriends of a footballer, but as we all know you can't be a wife and a girlfriend. It should actually be called Wog. Wife Or Girlfriend of a footballer. But I understand this could have racist connotations which could take Liverpool back 5 years.
- Shazia Mirza
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Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing; people will think we're workmen.
- Spike Milligan
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I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
- Eddie Izzard
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Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Stephen Fry
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- Steven Wright
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Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!
- Russell Brand
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- Steven Wright
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I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers
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On his body: A temple and popular place of worship. Entry is free, although a small deposit before departure is greatly appreciated.
- Julian Clary
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx
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I'd like to have joined the army, but had to make do with being a renowned homosexual instead.
- Julian Clary
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Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.
- Mark Twain
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I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other's post.
- Paul Merton
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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
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It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an airport' appear.
- Douglas Adams
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It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
- Spike Milligan
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My dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire'. Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
- Peter Kay
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Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
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Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch breakfast TV.
- Victoria Wood
Russell Brand quotes
If you crossed Sid James with Lord Byron, Russell would be the foppish, randy result.
Stephen Fry gallery
Tall, articulate and amazingly witty - is there no end to Stephen Fry's talents? Now stare at our picture gallery and marvel at his wise face.
A Ricky Gervais Quiz
Ricky Gervais – comedy genius, podcast maverick and "chubby funster". How much do you know about Reading's finest comedian?
