Witty Quotes
Quotes
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Am I the only one who's always tempted to light the wick on top of a beret?
- Paul Merton
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In the course of my life I've often had to eat my words, and I must confess I've always found it a wholesome diet.
- Winston Churchill
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Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
- Ambrose Bierce
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I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.
- Noel Coward
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My school days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
- Paul Merton
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I really drink way too much. The last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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On Ross Kemp: The moment Kemp walks onscreen he enters into a demented staring competition with everyone else in the room, including the viewers at home. He could out-stare a man with two glass eyes.
- Charlie Brooker
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- Peter Kay
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About Angus Deayton: His name is Angus. The G is silent.
- Paul Merton
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On erotic vs. kinky: It's the difference between using a feather and using a chicken.
- Terry Pratchett
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Ever wonder about those people who spend two dollars a piece on those tiny bottles of Evian water? Now try spelling Evian backwards.
- George Carlin
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No, you can't lick the system, but you can give it a damn good fondling.
- Stephen Fry
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Squash - that's not exercise, it's flagellation.
- Noel Coward
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I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
- Tim Vine
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My children won't even eat chips because some little know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable.
- Victoria Wood
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright
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I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
- Eddie Izzard
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Wags stand for Wives and Girlfriends of a footballer, but as we all know you can't be a wife and a girlfriend. It should actually be called Wog. Wife Or Girlfriend of a footballer. But I understand this could have racist connotations which could take Liverpool back 5 years.
- Shazia Mirza
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I live in a kind of gay bubble. I live in a gay house, I drive a gay car. I eat gay food.
- Julian Clary
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My mother never breast fed me. She said she only liked me as a friend.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?
- Paul Merton
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I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
- Dorothy Parker
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On trying to explain the Milky Bar Kid to Americans: In the case of a Wild West conflict, the surest path to peace is to send in an albino child with chocolate.
- Dara O'Briain
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I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about the butcher and my wife.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Black Beauty. He's a dark horse.
- Tim Vine
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On satellite TV: I watch hours on end of the History Channel and Discovery Channel. Just back and forth, History Channel and Discovery Channel. Ask me anything about sharks and Nazis. Not as bad as a lot of people make out, actually. Sharks I mean, not Nazis. Sharks, brilliant. Nazis, rubbish.
- Ricky Gervais
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. So I went over. Nobody was home.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
- Tim Vine
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Circus: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
- Ambrose Bierce
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I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.
- Noel Coward
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There's no such thing as a tough child. Parboil them for seven hours and they always come out tender.
- WC Fields
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There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
- Mark Twain
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When I was younger I made it a rule never to take a drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
- Winston Churchill
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I used to be a teacher in Tower Hamlets. Now that was teaching. I had to carry a knife to parents' evenings. Which were basically singles' nights.
- Shazia Mirza
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Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Stephen Fry
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Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
- WC Fields
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
- Joan Rivers
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I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx
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This is the first time in my lifetime that Irish people are able to go: 'What? You're going to England? It's full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We've no terrorists at all. They're all playwrights now.'
- Dara O'Briain
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On American pronunciation: You say erbs and we say herbs. Because, you know, there's an H in it.
- Eddie Izzard
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Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
- Woody Allen
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I went to the dog races the other day. It was like Ascot for chavs.
- Jimmy Carr
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I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.
- Stephen Fry
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On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
- Billy Connolly
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Let's think the unthinkable, let's do the undoable, let's prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.
- Douglas Adams
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I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs. Like custom officers.
- Jack Dee
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On always being late for meetings: I am a sporting man. I always like to give trains and planes a fair chance of getting away.
- Winston Churchill
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Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
- Frankie Boyle
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The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.
- Oscar Wilde
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The singer Gabriella once claimed 'dreams can come true', but she was lying. Dreams don't come true. If they did, the nation's offices would be full of people who'd accidentally turned up for work with no clothes on.
- Charlie Brooker
Russell Brand quotes
If you crossed Sid James with Lord Byron, Russell would be the foppish, randy result.
Stephen Fry gallery
Tall, articulate and amazingly witty - is there no end to Stephen Fry's talents? Now stare at our picture gallery and marvel at his wise face.
A Ricky Gervais Quiz
Ricky Gervais – comedy genius, podcast maverick and "chubby funster". How much do you know about Reading's finest comedian?
