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Dara O Briain's Homework Puzzles
How much change should the waiter really have brought you?
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Dara O Briain: School Of Hard Sums
The Mock The Week star goes on a journey into the realms of pure logic - watch a teaser from Ep 6 with Alex Horne.
Mondays at 8pm -
All new Top Gear
The motor-mad man-children are back with Series 18 of the car show everyone loves to love.
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Dave’s One Night Stand
We've chosen our favourite episodes from the past three series.
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Which Dragon are you?
Which guru would you be in the Den?
Red Dwarf series 2 quiz
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Dara O Briain's Brainteasers
Dara has set you some baffling brainteasers. Can you solve his puzzles?
Quizzes
Top 10 times they got it wrong on QI
Even QI, the receptacle of all things wise and witty, sometimes goes a bit wonky.
Quotes
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On always being late for meetings: I am a sporting man. I always like to give trains and planes a fair chance of getting away.
- Winston Churchill
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I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
- Tim Vine
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I really drink way too much. The last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.
- Russell Brand
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Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think.
- Ambrose Bierce
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx
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Remember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work.
- Russell Brand
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The rainforest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rainforest.
- Jack Dee
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say: Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.
- Joan Rivers
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I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
- Eddie Izzard
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I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
- Peter Kay
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Getting a movie made in Hollywood is like trying to grill a steak by having a succession of people coming into the room and breathing on it.
- Douglas Adams
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I think animal testing is cruel. They get all nervous and give silly answers.
- Stephen Fry
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Imagine forcing the cast of Emmerdale to hurriedly construct Las Vegas at gunpoint in the rain. That's Glastonbury.
- Charlie Brooker
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Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
- Frankie Boyle
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On a film star: She delivered a performance that ran the gamut of emotions from A to B.
- Dorothy Parker
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I am at two with nature.
- Woody Allen
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.
- Joan Rivers
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I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's fantastic.
- Woody Allen
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The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
- Tim Vine
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Family members keep trying to set me up with men, but they're always cousins. Or cousins of cousins of cousins. It gets very confusing in Asian circles - if you don't keep track you could end up sleeping with yourself.
- Shazia Mirza
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Good evening and thank you for your applause. There's still nothing I like more than a warm hand upon my entrance.
- Julian Clary
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Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'
- Billy Connolly
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One of my friends went on a murder weekend. Now he's doing life for it.
- Jack Dee
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright
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There are various ways to give up smoking — nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
- Paul Merton
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Black Beauty. He's a dark horse.
- Tim Vine
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
- Joan Rivers
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On organ donation: There are a couple of conditions. Whoever takes my kidneys must also take my face. And my name as well. And they can kiss goodbye to man-made fibres, watching films with Tom Hanks in, and heterosexual sex.
- Julian Clary
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I have been complimented many times and it always embarrasses me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
- Mark Twain
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Politics is the ability to tell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
- Winston Churchill
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.
- Jimmy Carr
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I don't need you to remind me of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me.
- Stephen Fry
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It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.
- Russell Brand
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Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driving seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cos then you can take a sleep.
- Eddie Izzard
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
- WC Fields
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My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.
- Joan Rivers
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Technology is getting so stupidly powerful. For example, my iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen and frustrated and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.
- Dara O'Briain
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When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
- Steven Wright
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Apologise: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
- Ambrose Bierce
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Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.
- Mark Twain
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Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
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Work is much more fun than fun.
- Noel Coward
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Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
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I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?
- Stephen Fry
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On the Reformation: Henry VIII went up to the Pope and said: Mr Pope I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her. Cut her head off. Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam.... and the Pope is saying: What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?
- Eddie Izzard
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
- George Carlin
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Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.
- Noel Coward
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Marriage is like the witness protection program: you get new clothes, you live in the suburbs and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.
- Jeremy Hardy
