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Dinner for Schmucks review
Hardly pant-wetting, side-splitting comedy but perfect for those too lazy to make it to the pub.
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Bo and Tim in Conversation
Bo Burnham the youtube sensation and main award nominee, and last years main award winner Tim Key sit down and talk about the Fringe and how they got into comedy.
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Win an iPad with our ultimate Dave fan quiz
Prove you're Dave's greatest fan by taking our quiz and you could win an iPad or a Dave wallet you lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky thing.
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A Ricky Gervais Quiz…Obviously
Ricky Gervais – comedy genius, podcast maverick and "chubby funster". How much do you know about Reading's finest comedian?
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Win VIP tickets to the Red Bull X-Fighters live final in Rome
Enter our competition and you could be on your way to Rome.
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John Cleese Quiz
Let us salute the literally lofty comic genius of John Cleese, via the medium of biographical trivia.
Dave at the Edinburgh Fringe 2010
Dave's roving reporter, Donal Coonan, is at the comedy festival in Edinburgh and he's only gawn and made some special video reports for us.
The Fringe according to Dave
Our men on the ground have upped sticks and gone to the Edinburgh Comedy Festival; their mission - to bring you news, reviews, pleasure and pain from the world's best funny fest.
Read moreQuizzes
Nina Conti interview
Dave's seventh sexiest stand-up comedian, Nina Conti gave us a great interview before her new Edinburgh show, Nina Conti: Talk to the Hand.
Quotes
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People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.
- Noel Coward
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Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.
- Billy Connolly
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My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.
- Victoria Wood
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
- Tim Vine
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My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her.
- Paul Merton
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In a book review: This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
- Dorothy Parker
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Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheroes.
- Jimmy Carr
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Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment.
- Victoria Wood
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
- George Carlin
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There's no such thing as a tough child. Parboil them for seven hours and they always come out tender.
- WC Fields
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My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
- Peter Kay
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Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
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I'm not homophobic. I'm not scared of my house.
- Peter Kay
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I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
- Dorothy Parker
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
- WC Fields
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Politics is the ability to tell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
- Winston Churchill
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- Steven Wright
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I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
- PG Wodehouse
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
- WC Fields
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There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
- Mark Twain
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On Ross Kemp: The moment Kemp walks onscreen he enters into a demented staring competition with everyone else in the room, including the viewers at home. He could out-stare a man with two glass eyes.
- Charlie Brooker
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Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching.
- Russell Brand
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I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars.
- Jack Dee
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If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
- Russell Brand
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When someone close to you dies, move seats.
- Jimmy Carr
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Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the corpse.
- PG Wodehouse
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I drink therefore I am.
- WC Fields
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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, then editing it so it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
- Spike Milligan
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
- Tim Vine
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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This is the most unreliable car ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at: Actually I've Got a Peugeot, BBC Top Gear, London...
- Jeremy Clarkson
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What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.
- Russell Brand
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I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.
- Dorothy Parker
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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
- Jo Brand
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On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?
- Paul Merton
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.
- Jimmy Carr
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There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
- Tim Vine
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I'm very indignant about all the Poles and Romanians coming over here and stealing our racism. Gatecrashing our racism. What's a black or an Asian got to do to get noticed now?
- Shazia Mirza
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It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.
- Stephen Fry
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Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
- Billy Connolly
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Why is it called a Brazilian when it looks more like Chile?
- Jeremy Hardy
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To go with the boots I have a full-on corset that gives me an 18 inch waist. I have to re-arrange my intestines but it's worth it in the interests of light entertainment.
- Julian Clary
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Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
- Frankie Boyle
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Television is for appearing on, not looking at.
- Noel Coward
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On the Bible: Some of the things do sound a little bit far fetched. But then I found that the other name for the Bible is the Gospel. So it's all true. Clue's in the title.
- Ricky Gervais
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On American pronunciation: You say erbs and we say herbs. Because, you know, there's an H in it.
- Eddie Izzard
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On trying to explain the Milky Bar Kid to Americans: In the case of a Wild West conflict, the surest path to peace is to send in an albino child with chocolate.
- Dara O'Briain
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On wedding buffets: Vol au vents, chicken legs, cheesecake. Vol au vents, chicken legs, cheesecake. That's all it is, same food repeated. Always reminds of Scooby Doo, the cartoon, where they always used to run down a corridor passing the same things. Plant, clock, plant, clock.
- Peter Kay
Top 10 Hollywood hardmen (over 40)
The older they get, the scarier they look - and it's not all down to plastic surgery, drugs and booze...
The mini returns to WRC
Everyone's favourite little car is coming out to play again. Welcome back you lovely turbocharged four-wheel-drive machine you.
