• Dara O Briain's Homework Puzzles Dara O Briain's Homework Puzzles

    Dara O Briain's Homework Puzzles

    How much change should the waiter really have brought you?

  • Dara O Briain: School Of Hard Sums Dara O Briain: School Of Hard Sums

    Dara O Briain: School Of Hard Sums

    The Mock The Week star goes on a journey into the realms of pure logic - watch a teaser from Ep 6 with Alex Horne.

    Mondays at 8pm

  • All new Top Gear All new Top Gear

    All new Top Gear

    The motor-mad man-children are back with Series 18 of the car show everyone loves to love.

    Tuesdays at 8pm

  • Dave’s One Night Stand Dave’s One Night Stand

    Dave’s One Night Stand

    We've chosen our favourite episodes from the past three series.

    Thursdays at 10pm

  • Win a Suits Series 1 DVD Win a Suits Series 1 DVD

    Win a Suits Series 1 DVD

    Watch some EXCLUSIVE OUTTAKES for the chance to win a DVD.

Are you Suits' greatest fan?

Are you Suits' greatest fan?

Find out with our Suits Series 1 quiz.

Which Dragon are you?

Which Dragon are you?

Which guru would you be in the Den?

Red Dwarf series 2 quiz

Red Dwarf series 2 quiz

Catch the last two eps of Red Dwarf S2 remastered, Friday at 9pm - and take our fan quiz now!

Dara O Briain's Brainteasers

Dara O Briain's Brainteasers

Dara has set you some baffling brainteasers. Can you solve his puzzles?

Quotes

  • Start Quote An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. End Quote

    - Billy Connolly

  • Start Quote My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. End Quote

    - Rodney Dangerfield

  • Start Quote The singer Gabriella once claimed 'dreams can come true', but she was lying. Dreams don't come true. If they did, the nation's offices would be full of people who'd accidentally turned up for work with no clothes on. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

  • Start Quote In the course of my life I've often had to eat my words, and I must confess I've always found it a wholesome diet. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote Technology is getting so stupidly powerful. For example, my iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen and frustrated and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite. End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote Circus: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. End Quote

    - Ambrose Bierce

  • Start Quote I used to have difficulty in the sack. You know, in bringing another person to the point of orgasm. Largely because I was always alone. End Quote

    - Jeremy Hardy

  • Start Quote On male genitalia: It's horrible looking. Like some kind of deep sea fish that ate its own arse. What's going on down there? Why can't it be something nice like, say, a kitten's head? You could tickle its chin till it got sick - that would be alright. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

  • Start Quote On releasing your potential: Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

  • Start Quote You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show: vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can, in some extreme cases, lead to genocide. End Quote

    - Bill Bailey

  • Start Quote History shall be kind to me. For I intend to write it. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other's post. End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheroes. End Quote

    - Jimmy Carr

  • Start Quote It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. End Quote

    - Spike Milligan

  • Start Quote At the age of 11 or thereabouts, women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he's lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in his late 70s. End Quote

    - PG Wodehouse

  • Start Quote To a writer he knew: From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. End Quote

    - Groucho Marx

  • Start Quote Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. End Quote

    - Groucho Marx

  • Start Quote On former Prime Minister Clement Attlee: He is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, then editing it so it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. End Quote

    - Jeremy Clarkson

  • Start Quote When you say to a child, 'It's bedtime', what the child hears is: Go and lie down in the dark. For hours. I'm locking the door now. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

  • Start Quote The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door. End Quote

    - Julian Clary

  • Start Quote I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host. End Quote

    - Dorothy Parker

  • Start Quote There are various ways to give up smoking — nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning. End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable. End Quote

    - Oscar Wilde

  • Start Quote Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

  • Start Quote On Ross Kemp: The moment Kemp walks onscreen he enters into a demented staring competition with everyone else in the room, including the viewers at home. He could out-stare a man with two glass eyes. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

  • Start Quote Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing; people will think we're workmen. End Quote

    - Spike Milligan

  • Start Quote The first Underground station ever opened was Baker Street in 1906. What was the point of that? Where would you go? End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time. Which is just long enough to be President of the United States. End Quote

    - Spike Milligan

  • Start Quote On the gay clergy controversy: What is the point in being a clergyman if you're not gay? It's really just for those gay men who are too plain to be airline stewards. And Communion is just drinks and snacks - the only thing missing is the trolley. End Quote

    - Jeremy Hardy

  • Start Quote Family members keep trying to set me up with men, but they're always cousins. Or cousins of cousins of cousins. It gets very confusing in Asian circles - if you don't keep track you could end up sleeping with yourself. End Quote

    - Shazia Mirza

  • Start Quote When I was younger I made it a rule never to take a drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote The world's divided into good and bad people. The good ones sleep better, but the bad ones enjoy the waking hours more. End Quote

    - Woody Allen

  • Start Quote On pears: They're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. You think, I'll take them home and they'll ripen up. But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there going: No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room. Now ripen! Now now now! End Quote

    - Eddie Izzard

  • Start Quote Being Asian, I love doing overtime. I don't feel human if I haven't worked a 900-hour week and opened up a couple of new businesses. End Quote

    - Shazia Mirza

  • Start Quote Television is for appearing on, not looking at. End Quote

    - Noel Coward

  • Start Quote Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. End Quote

    - Peter Kay

  • Start Quote I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. End Quote

    - Tim Vine

  • Start Quote It's silly to make generalisations, but if you talk to anyone in the south for longer than five minutes, they will try to sell you fruit. End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. End Quote

    - WC Fields

  • Start Quote The film industry is like Anne Robinson. Always on the lookout for a new face. End Quote

    - Jack Dee

  • Start Quote Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. End Quote

    - Jimmy Carr

  • Start Quote We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel. End Quote

    - Jeremy Clarkson

  • Start Quote Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX! End Quote

    - Russell Brand

  • Start Quote Unlike European mustards that bring out the subtle flavours of food, English mustard makes your nose bleed. End Quote

    - Jack Dee

  • Start Quote Death Before Dishonour. Exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here? Because I could handle quite a lot. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

All quotes