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Dara O Briain's Homework Puzzles
How much change should the waiter really have brought you?
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Dara O Briain: School Of Hard Sums
The Mock The Week star goes on a journey into the realms of pure logic - watch a teaser from Ep 6 with Alex Horne.
Mondays at 8pm -
All new Top Gear
The motor-mad man-children are back with Series 18 of the car show everyone loves to love.
Tuesdays at 8pm -
Dave’s One Night Stand
We've chosen our favourite episodes from the past three series.
Thursdays at 10pm -
Win a Suits Series 1 DVD
Watch some EXCLUSIVE OUTTAKES for the chance to win a DVD.
Are you Suits' greatest fan?
Find out with our Suits Series 1 quiz.
Which Dragon are you?
Which guru would you be in the Den?
Red Dwarf series 2 quiz
Catch the last two eps of Red Dwarf S2 remastered, Friday at 9pm - and take our fan quiz now!
Dara O Briain's Brainteasers
Dara has set you some baffling brainteasers. Can you solve his puzzles?
Quizzes
Top 10 times they got it wrong on QI
Even QI, the receptacle of all things wise and witty, sometimes goes a bit wonky.
Quotes
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On organ donation: There are a couple of conditions. Whoever takes my kidneys must also take my face. And my name as well. And they can kiss goodbye to man-made fibres, watching films with Tom Hanks in, and heterosexual sex.
- Julian Clary
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I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler.
- Russell Brand
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On releasing your potential: Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.
- Dylan Moran
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Clothes maketh the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
- Mark Twain
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Pratchett's guide to mushrooms: 1. All fungi are edible. 2. Some fungi are not edible more than once.
- Terry Pratchett
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!
- Bill Bailey
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I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your dead flowers.
- Jack Dee
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Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on.
- Billy Connolly
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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- Steven Wright
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
- Spike Milligan
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My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her: You're eleven, make your own.
- Jeremy Hardy
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I fall in love every seven years or so. I can feel it coming on. It must be like menstruation - I get all flustered and irritable.
- Julian Clary
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
- Tim Vine
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I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.
- Victoria Wood
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At the age of 11 or thereabouts, women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he's lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in his late 70s.
- PG Wodehouse
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx
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I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.
- Dara O'Briain
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There are various ways to give up smoking — nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
- Paul Merton
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
- Tim Vine
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Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
- Oscar Wilde
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What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
- Groucho Marx
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I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
- Steven Wright
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How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?
- Russell Brand
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Sex is like a game of bridge. If you don't get a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Peter Kay
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Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
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I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's fantastic.
- Woody Allen
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I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?
- Paul Merton
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say: Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.
- Joan Rivers
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Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
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Imagine forcing the cast of Emmerdale to hurriedly construct Las Vegas at gunpoint in the rain. That's Glastonbury.
- Charlie Brooker
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I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
- Dorothy Parker
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On cooking: Nobody has the time. You come in from work and, if you're getting very adventurous, you think 'Tonight we will eat something that has two colours in it.' But you don't. You end up eating bread from the bag, dipping it in anything runnier than bread.
- Dylan Moran
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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, then editing it so it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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Time doth flit; oh shit.
- Dorothy Parker
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
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On America: It's like the really bad flatmate of the world. Oh gee, sorry, did I break all your stuff? I didn't know it was yours. I'll replace it next week.
- Dylan Moran
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There's no such thing as a tough child. Parboil them for seven hours and they always come out tender.
- WC Fields
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My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.
- Joan Rivers
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On former Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin: I wish Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived.
- Winston Churchill
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Work is much more fun than fun.
- Noel Coward
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Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
- Frankie Boyle
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On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.
- Russell Brand
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I am at two with nature.
- Woody Allen
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They were the sort of people generally called salt of the earth. In other words they were hard, square and bad for your health.
- Terry Pratchett
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I discovered I was on the shortlist for Greatest Living Britain. Greatest living Britain? I wanted to bring Isaac Newton down a peg or two. What's he done since gravity? I followed up The Office with Extras.
- Ricky Gervais
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How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
- Spike Milligan
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On his body: A temple and popular place of worship. Entry is free, although a small deposit before departure is greatly appreciated.
- Julian Clary
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I'm very indignant about all the Poles and Romanians coming over here and stealing our racism. Gatecrashing our racism. What's a black or an Asian got to do to get noticed now?
- Shazia Mirza
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
- Woody Allen
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My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her.
- Paul Merton
