Best Ever Blackadder

Best Ever Blackadder

A cunning plan for May Bank Holiday Sunday.

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

We spoke to Marcus du Sautoy to find out how the show is made.

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Dave is proud to present a brand new podcast hosted by Alex Horne with guests including Dan Antopolski, Rob Beckett and Tony Law.

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Fancy yourself as a bit of a brainiac? Wrap your grey stuff around these...

Quotes

  • Start Quote The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. End Quote

    - PG Wodehouse

  • Start Quote I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars. End Quote

    - Jack Dee

  • Start Quote They were the sort of people generally called salt of the earth. In other words they were hard, square and bad for your health. End Quote

    - Terry Pratchett

  • Start Quote So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' End Quote

    - Tim Vine

  • Start Quote When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It's of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts. End Quote

    - Spike Milligan

  • Start Quote To go with the boots I have a full-on corset that gives me an 18 inch waist. I have to re-arrange my intestines but it's worth it in the interests of light entertainment. End Quote

    - Julian Clary

  • Start Quote Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it. End Quote

    - WC Fields

  • Start Quote On the Empire: We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. I claim India for Britain. And they're going: You can't claim us. We live here. There's five hundred million of us. Ah, but do you have a flag? We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard. End Quote

    - Eddie Izzard

  • Start Quote If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps? End Quote

    - Russell Brand

  • Start Quote This is the first time in my lifetime that Irish people are able to go: 'What? You're going to England? It's full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We've no terrorists at all. They're all playwrights now.' End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote A common misconception of me is that I'm very grumpy. I'm only quite grumpy. I am very forgiving in a vengeful way. End Quote

    - Jeremy Hardy

  • Start Quote On pears: They're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. You think, I'll take them home and they'll ripen up. But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there going: No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room. Now ripen! Now now now! End Quote

    - Eddie Izzard

  • Start Quote Apologise: To lay the foundation for a future offence. End Quote

    - Ambrose Bierce

  • Start Quote On organ donation: There are a couple of conditions. Whoever takes my kidneys must also take my face. And my name as well. And they can kiss goodbye to man-made fibres, watching films with Tom Hanks in, and heterosexual sex. End Quote

    - Julian Clary

  • Start Quote On former Prime Minister Ramsay MacDonald: A sheep in sheep's clothing. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote When someone close to you dies, move seats. End Quote

    - Jimmy Carr

  • Start Quote What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert. End Quote

    - Russell Brand

  • Start Quote How do you know it's time to wash the dishes? Look inside your pants. If you find a penis in there, it's not time. End Quote

    - Jo Brand

  • Start Quote Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driving seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cos then you can take a sleep. End Quote

    - Eddie Izzard

  • Start Quote I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg. End Quote

    - Ricky Gervais

  • Start Quote Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show: vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can, in some extreme cases, lead to genocide. End Quote

    - Bill Bailey

  • Start Quote Old women with mobile phones look wrong. End Quote

    - Peter Kay

  • Start Quote Velcro. What a rip-off. End Quote

    - Tim Vine

  • Start Quote On always being late for meetings: I am a sporting man. I always like to give trains and planes a fair chance of getting away. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry. End Quote

    - Victoria Wood

  • Start Quote My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. End Quote

    - Rodney Dangerfield

  • Start Quote The higher the buildings, the lower the morals. End Quote

    - Noel Coward

  • Start Quote They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. End Quote

    - Frankie Boyle

  • Start Quote I'd like to have joined the army, but had to make do with being a renowned homosexual instead. End Quote

    - Julian Clary

  • Start Quote I've done a bit of Latin my time, but I can control it. End Quote

    - Eddie Izzard

  • Start Quote I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

  • Start Quote Politics is the ability to tell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheroes. End Quote

    - Jimmy Carr

  • Start Quote Join the army. Meet interesting people. Kill them. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

  • Start Quote Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. End Quote

    - Woody Allen

  • Start Quote Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment. End Quote

    - Victoria Wood

  • Start Quote I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

  • Start Quote If you can play a guitar and harmonica at the same time, like Bob Dylan or Neil Young, you're a genius. But make that extra bit of effort and strap some cymbals to your knees, suddenly people want to get the hell away from you. End Quote

    - Rich Hall

  • Start Quote My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar. End Quote

    - Victoria Wood

  • Start Quote Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. End Quote

    - Douglas Adams

  • Start Quote On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here? End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote On a car he didn't like very much: There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it. Including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean. End Quote

    - Jeremy Clarkson

  • Start Quote I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do? End Quote

    - Jeremy Clarkson

  • Start Quote I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other's post. End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself laughing. End Quote

    - Jack Dee

  • Start Quote Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. End Quote

    - Billy Connolly

  • Start Quote Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. End Quote

    - Douglas Adams

  • Start Quote On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed. End Quote

    - Russell Brand

  • Start Quote Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. End Quote

    - Oscar Wilde

  • Start Quote I had some glasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

All quotes