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Dara O Briain's Homework Puzzles
How much change should the waiter really have brought you?
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Dara O Briain: School Of Hard Sums
The Mock The Week star goes on a journey into the realms of pure logic - watch a teaser from Ep 6 with Alex Horne.
Mondays at 8pm -
All new Top Gear
The motor-mad man-children are back with Series 18 of the car show everyone loves to love.
Tuesdays at 8pm -
Dave’s One Night Stand
We've chosen our favourite episodes from the past three series.
Thursdays at 10pm -
Win a Suits Series 1 DVD
Watch some EXCLUSIVE OUTTAKES for the chance to win a DVD.
Are you Suits' greatest fan?
Find out with our Suits Series 1 quiz.
Which Dragon are you?
Which guru would you be in the Den?
Red Dwarf series 2 quiz
Catch the last two eps of Red Dwarf S2 remastered, Friday at 9pm - and take our fan quiz now!
Dara O Briain's Brainteasers
Dara has set you some baffling brainteasers. Can you solve his puzzles?
Quizzes
Top 10 times they got it wrong on QI
Even QI, the receptacle of all things wise and witty, sometimes goes a bit wonky.
Quotes
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An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
- Stephen Fry
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Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
- Billy Connolly
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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The singer Gabriella once claimed 'dreams can come true', but she was lying. Dreams don't come true. If they did, the nation's offices would be full of people who'd accidentally turned up for work with no clothes on.
- Charlie Brooker
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In the course of my life I've often had to eat my words, and I must confess I've always found it a wholesome diet.
- Winston Churchill
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I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.
- Stephen Fry
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Technology is getting so stupidly powerful. For example, my iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen and frustrated and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.
- Dara O'Briain
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Circus: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
- Ambrose Bierce
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I used to have difficulty in the sack. You know, in bringing another person to the point of orgasm. Largely because I was always alone.
- Jeremy Hardy
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On male genitalia: It's horrible looking. Like some kind of deep sea fish that ate its own arse. What's going on down there? Why can't it be something nice like, say, a kitten's head? You could tickle its chin till it got sick - that would be alright.
- Dylan Moran
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On releasing your potential: Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.
- Dylan Moran
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You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
- Winston Churchill
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show: vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can, in some extreme cases, lead to genocide.
- Bill Bailey
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History shall be kind to me. For I intend to write it.
- Winston Churchill
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I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other's post.
- Paul Merton
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I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers
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Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheroes.
- Jimmy Carr
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It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
- Spike Milligan
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At the age of 11 or thereabouts, women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he's lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in his late 70s.
- PG Wodehouse
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To a writer he knew: From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
- Groucho Marx
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
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On former Prime Minister Clement Attlee: He is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill
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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, then editing it so it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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When you say to a child, 'It's bedtime', what the child hears is: Go and lie down in the dark. For hours. I'm locking the door now.
- Dylan Moran
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The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door.
- Julian Clary
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I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.
- Dorothy Parker
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There are various ways to give up smoking — nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
- Paul Merton
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The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.
- Oscar Wilde
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Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
- Steven Wright
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On Ross Kemp: The moment Kemp walks onscreen he enters into a demented staring competition with everyone else in the room, including the viewers at home. He could out-stare a man with two glass eyes.
- Charlie Brooker
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Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing; people will think we're workmen.
- Spike Milligan
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The first Underground station ever opened was Baker Street in 1906. What was the point of that? Where would you go?
- Paul Merton
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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time. Which is just long enough to be President of the United States.
- Spike Milligan
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On the gay clergy controversy: What is the point in being a clergyman if you're not gay? It's really just for those gay men who are too plain to be airline stewards. And Communion is just drinks and snacks - the only thing missing is the trolley.
- Jeremy Hardy
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Family members keep trying to set me up with men, but they're always cousins. Or cousins of cousins of cousins. It gets very confusing in Asian circles - if you don't keep track you could end up sleeping with yourself.
- Shazia Mirza
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When I was younger I made it a rule never to take a drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
- Winston Churchill
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The world's divided into good and bad people. The good ones sleep better, but the bad ones enjoy the waking hours more.
- Woody Allen
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On pears: They're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. You think, I'll take them home and they'll ripen up. But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there going: No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room. Now ripen! Now now now!
- Eddie Izzard
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Being Asian, I love doing overtime. I don't feel human if I haven't worked a 900-hour week and opened up a couple of new businesses.
- Shazia Mirza
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Television is for appearing on, not looking at.
- Noel Coward
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Peter Kay
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I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
- Tim Vine
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It's silly to make generalisations, but if you talk to anyone in the south for longer than five minutes, they will try to sell you fruit.
- Paul Merton
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If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
- WC Fields
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The film industry is like Anne Robinson. Always on the lookout for a new face.
- Jack Dee
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Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
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We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!
- Russell Brand
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Unlike European mustards that bring out the subtle flavours of food, English mustard makes your nose bleed.
- Jack Dee
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Death Before Dishonour. Exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here? Because I could handle quite a lot.
- Dylan Moran
