Best Ever Blackadder

Best Ever Blackadder

A cunning plan for May Bank Holiday Sunday.

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

We spoke to Marcus du Sautoy to find out how the show is made.

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Dave is proud to present a brand new podcast hosted by Alex Horne with guests including Dan Antopolski, Rob Beckett and Tony Law.

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Fancy yourself as a bit of a brainiac? Wrap your grey stuff around these...

Quotes

  • Start Quote Imagine forcing the cast of Emmerdale to hurriedly construct Las Vegas at gunpoint in the rain. That's Glastonbury. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

  • Start Quote I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome? End Quote

    - Frankie Boyle

  • Start Quote I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote Time doth flit; oh shit. End Quote

    - Dorothy Parker

  • Start Quote I wish they'd stop improving car washes. They just keep adding to the choice on that menu. The super valet, super foam valet, super wax valet. When all you want is a button that says: Get this sh*t off my bonnet. End Quote

    - Jack Dee

  • Start Quote Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges. End Quote

    - Frankie Boyle

  • Start Quote Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. End Quote

    - Ambrose Bierce

  • Start Quote Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. End Quote

    - George Carlin

  • Start Quote On former Prime Minister Ramsay MacDonald: A sheep in sheep's clothing. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote I have been complimented many times and it always embarrasses me; I always feel that they have not said enough. End Quote

    - Mark Twain

  • Start Quote Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. End Quote

    - Woody Allen

  • Start Quote Politics is the ability to tell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote On former Prime Minister Clement Attlee: He is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote When you say to a child, 'It's bedtime', what the child hears is: Go and lie down in the dark. For hours. I'm locking the door now. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

  • Start Quote On America: It's like the really bad flatmate of the world. Oh gee, sorry, did I break all your stuff? I didn't know it was yours. I'll replace it next week. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

  • Start Quote When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It's of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts. End Quote

    - Spike Milligan

  • Start Quote TV cop Inspector Lynley seems to have taken the traditional British principle of keeping a 'stiff upper lip' and applied it to his entire head. He probably maintains the same rigid appearance at the point of orgasm, though it's as hard to envisage Lynley reaching climax as it is to picture, say, Peter Sissons in a similar situation. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

  • Start Quote Being Asian, I love doing overtime. I don't feel human if I haven't worked a 900-hour week and opened up a couple of new businesses. End Quote

    - Shazia Mirza

  • Start Quote There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It's called the guillotine. End Quote

    - PG Wodehouse

  • Start Quote When someone close to you dies, move seats. End Quote

    - Jimmy Carr

  • Start Quote Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.' End Quote

    - Bill Bailey

  • Start Quote I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg. End Quote

    - Ricky Gervais

  • Start Quote On a car he didn't like very much: There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it. Including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean. End Quote

    - Jeremy Clarkson

  • Start Quote Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two. End Quote

    - Frankie Boyle

  • Start Quote On the Ferrari Enzo: Ferrari is so pleased with it, they've named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That'd be the same as Lotus calling their next car... the Colin. End Quote

    - Jeremy Clarkson

  • Start Quote I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do? End Quote

    - Jeremy Clarkson

  • Start Quote British ferries have stopped transporting live animals to the Continent. This has made it very difficult for England fans to get to Away matches. End Quote

    - Jo Brand

  • Start Quote My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote Remember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work. End Quote

    - Russell Brand

  • Start Quote History shall be kind to me. For I intend to write it. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. End Quote

    - Oscar Wilde

  • Start Quote On a family car: Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps. End Quote

    - Jeremy Clarkson

  • Start Quote An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote Familiarity breeds contempt — and children. End Quote

    - Mark Twain

  • Start Quote I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. End Quote

    - Dorothy Parker

  • Start Quote If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it. End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote One of my friends went on a murder weekend. Now he's doing life for it. End Quote

    - Jack Dee

  • Start Quote The higher the buildings, the lower the morals. End Quote

    - Noel Coward

  • Start Quote Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote On baking a cake: Cream six ounces of butter and caster sugar. Break three eggs and fold into mixture, add six ounces of flour, spoon into cake tins and cook at gas mark five. After 25 minutes remove from oven, pour on three glasses of brandy and add some cream. Add some more cream. Add some more cream. Serve with custard, ice cream and no friends. End Quote

    - Jo Brand

  • Start Quote In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight. End Quote

    - Jack Dee

  • Start Quote All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

  • Start Quote The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. End Quote

    - Dorothy Parker

  • Start Quote In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. End Quote

    - Douglas Adams

  • Start Quote On former Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin: I wish Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. End Quote

    - WC Fields

  • Start Quote Apologise: To lay the foundation for a future offence. End Quote

    - Ambrose Bierce

  • Start Quote I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill. End Quote

    - Victoria Wood

  • Start Quote I don't need you to remind me of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote Work is much more fun than fun. End Quote

    - Noel Coward

All quotes