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Dara's homework puzzle
Four balls with different football teams written on them are placed in a hat...
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Dara's School of Hard Sums
Marcus Brigstocke and Andrew Maxwell join Dara in next week's episode, Wed at 8pm. Watch a teaser.
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Ultimate Suits Season 2 quiz
Another season of Suits is over, but how closely were you watching?
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Alex Horne Breaks the News
Dave has a brand new comedy podcast - download some witty banter straight into your ears now.
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Dara's extra-tricky mind-twisters
Ready to move up a class and take on these tougher teasers?
Best Ever Blackadder
A cunning plan for May Bank Holiday Sunday.
Behind the scenes of Hard Sums
We spoke to Marcus du Sautoy to find out how the show is made.
Alex Horne Breaks the News
Dave is proud to present a brand new podcast hosted by Alex Horne with guests including Dan Antopolski, Rob Beckett and Tony Law.
Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers
Fancy yourself as a bit of a brainiac? Wrap your grey stuff around these...
Quizzes
Ten Top Gear Commandments for proper petrolheads
Ok, so you've done the sensible thing and tuned in religiously, but that's no guarantee you're a real petrolhead...
Quotes
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I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?
- Paul Merton
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I've done a bit of Latin my time, but I can control it.
- Eddie Izzard
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Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
- Billy Connolly
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People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
- Bill Bailey
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Custard: A vile concoction produced by the malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
- Ambrose Bierce
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I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
- Tim Vine
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Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn't a building left standing. And you can't help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies.
- Dara O'Briain
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If you can play a guitar and harmonica at the same time, like Bob Dylan or Neil Young, you're a genius. But make that extra bit of effort and strap some cymbals to your knees, suddenly people want to get the hell away from you.
- Rich Hall
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Wags stand for Wives and Girlfriends of a footballer, but as we all know you can't be a wife and a girlfriend. It should actually be called Wog. Wife Or Girlfriend of a footballer. But I understand this could have racist connotations which could take Liverpool back 5 years.
- Shazia Mirza
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On talent shows: A bit like watching a programme in which children queue up to be punched in the face by Father Christmas. Absolutely riveting for all the wrong reasons.
- Charlie Brooker
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Nostalgia is heroin for old people.
- Dara O'Briain
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Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
- Woody Allen
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Family members keep trying to set me up with men, but they're always cousins. Or cousins of cousins of cousins. It gets very confusing in Asian circles - if you don't keep track you could end up sleeping with yourself.
- Shazia Mirza
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Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment.
- Victoria Wood
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I don't do enough for charity. I do it a bit, you could always do more, but I look at it like this... it's a pain, isn't it?
- Ricky Gervais
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Grandchildren can be f\*\*king annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.
- Joan Rivers
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No, you can't lick the system, but you can give it a damn good fondling.
- Stephen Fry
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Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.
- Dorothy Parker
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I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs. Like custom officers.
- Jack Dee
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.
- Charlie Brooker
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My school days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
- Paul Merton
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Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, then editing it so it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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The best thing anyone's ever shouted at me? Oi you Paki. Go back to India.
- Shazia Mirza
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I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
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I went to the dog races the other day. It was like Ascot for chavs.
- Jimmy Carr
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
- George Carlin
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I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars.
- Jack Dee
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A common misconception of me is that I'm very grumpy. I'm only quite grumpy. I am very forgiving in a vengeful way.
- Jeremy Hardy
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My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.
- Joan Rivers
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Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'
- Billy Connolly
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I live in a kind of gay bubble. I live in a gay house, I drive a gay car. I eat gay food.
- Julian Clary
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I don't need you to remind me of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me.
- Stephen Fry
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- Steven Wright
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It's a metaphor of human existence, a dragon. And if that wasn't bad enough, it's also a bloody great hot flying thing.
- Terry Pratchett
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I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.
- Woody Allen
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This is the most unreliable car ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at: Actually I've Got a Peugeot, BBC Top Gear, London...
- Jeremy Clarkson
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On wedding buffets: Vol au vents, chicken legs, cheesecake. Vol au vents, chicken legs, cheesecake. That's all it is, same food repeated. Always reminds of Scooby Doo, the cartoon, where they always used to run down a corridor passing the same things. Plant, clock, plant, clock.
- Peter Kay
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I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
- Eddie Izzard
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On trekking abroad: I lost my corkscrew and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
- WC Fields
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Tony Blair was our first metrosexual prime minister. He had enough personality to be gay, yet caused enough atrocities to be straight.
- Shazia Mirza
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show: vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can, in some extreme cases, lead to genocide.
- Bill Bailey
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
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As an Anglican, you don't lose your faith - you just can't remember where you left it.
- Jeremy Hardy
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There's no such thing as a tough child. Parboil them for seven hours and they always come out tender.
- WC Fields
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Ever wonder about those people who spend two dollars a piece on those tiny bottles of Evian water? Now try spelling Evian backwards.
- George Carlin
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Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
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Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
- WC Fields
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A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
- Oscar Wilde
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To an American audience: I'm from a little place called England. We used to run the world before you.
- Ricky Gervais
