Best Ever Blackadder

Best Ever Blackadder

A cunning plan for May Bank Holiday Sunday.

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

We spoke to Marcus du Sautoy to find out how the show is made.

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Dave is proud to present a brand new podcast hosted by Alex Horne with guests including Dan Antopolski, Rob Beckett and Tony Law.

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Fancy yourself as a bit of a brainiac? Wrap your grey stuff around these...

Quotes

  • Start Quote I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about the butcher and my wife. End Quote

    - Rodney Dangerfield

  • Start Quote This is the most unreliable car ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at: Actually I've Got a Peugeot, BBC Top Gear, London... End Quote

    - Jeremy Clarkson

  • Start Quote Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. End Quote

    - Oscar Wilde

  • Start Quote I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said: Get the hell off my property. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote All Socialists have bad backs because we slouch. We sit hunched, arms crossed, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown. End Quote

    - Jeremy Hardy

  • Start Quote People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.' End Quote

    - Bill Bailey

  • Start Quote When I was younger I made it a rule never to take a drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

  • Start Quote In the course of my life I've often had to eat my words, and I must confess I've always found it a wholesome diet. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote I don't need you to remind me of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up. End Quote

    - Groucho Marx

  • Start Quote Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair. End Quote

    - Dorothy Parker

  • Start Quote Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die. End Quote

    - Jimmy Carr

  • Start Quote I think animal testing is cruel. They get all nervous and give silly answers. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote On Stephen Hawking: He's not a genius, he's pretentious. Born in Kent and talks with an American accent! End Quote

    - Ricky Gervais

  • Start Quote Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

  • Start Quote I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other's post. End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote I wanted to be John Cleese and it took some time to realise the job was, in fact, taken. End Quote

    - Douglas Adams

  • Start Quote On the Reformation: Henry VIII went up to the Pope and said: Mr Pope I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her. Cut her head off. Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam.... and the Pope is saying: What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard? End Quote

    - Eddie Izzard

  • Start Quote I don't have hobbies, hobbies cost money. Interests, on the other hand, are quite free. End Quote

    - George Carlin

  • Start Quote There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff which comes under That's grand, then it moves into Ah now don't push it, and finally it comes under Right now you're takin the piss, and that's when the police come in. End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote When asked to come up with a sentence with the word horticulture in it: You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. End Quote

    - Dorothy Parker

  • Start Quote Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. End Quote

    - Groucho Marx

  • Start Quote On cooking: Nobody has the time. You come in from work and, if you're getting very adventurous, you think 'Tonight we will eat something that has two colours in it.' But you don't. You end up eating bread from the bag, dipping it in anything runnier than bread. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

  • Start Quote Her mother was a cultivated women. She was born in a greenhouse. End Quote

    - Spike Milligan

  • Start Quote The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote I know all teenagers want a computer of their own, but if they want to lock themselves in their rooms and damage their eyesight for hours on end, they don't need a computer to do it. End Quote

    - Jeremy Hardy

  • Start Quote In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. End Quote

    - Douglas Adams

  • Start Quote I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray. End Quote

    - Tim Vine

  • Start Quote On bad chat up lines: Stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, Get in the van. End Quote

    - Russell Brand

  • Start Quote On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside. End Quote

    - Frankie Boyle

  • Start Quote They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. End Quote

    - Frankie Boyle

  • Start Quote The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder. End Quote

    - Bill Bailey

  • Start Quote To a writer he knew: From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. End Quote

    - Groucho Marx

  • Start Quote On airline food: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey - don't eat. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better. End Quote

    - Eddie Izzard

  • Start Quote To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness. End Quote

    - Oscar Wilde

  • Start Quote Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it. End Quote

    - WC Fields

  • Start Quote I don't do enough for charity. I do it a bit, you could always do more, but I look at it like this... it's a pain, isn't it? End Quote

    - Ricky Gervais

  • Start Quote I'd like to have joined the army, but had to make do with being a renowned homosexual instead. End Quote

    - Julian Clary

  • Start Quote What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog. End Quote

    - Groucho Marx

  • Start Quote It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

  • Start Quote On always being late for meetings: I am a sporting man. I always like to give trains and planes a fair chance of getting away. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote On his body: A temple and popular place of worship. Entry is free, although a small deposit before departure is greatly appreciated. End Quote

    - Julian Clary

  • Start Quote I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote On Ross Kemp: The moment Kemp walks onscreen he enters into a demented staring competition with everyone else in the room, including the viewers at home. He could out-stare a man with two glass eyes. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

  • Start Quote What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

  • Start Quote If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. End Quote

    - WC Fields

  • Start Quote I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. End Quote

    - Woody Allen

All quotes