Best Ever Blackadder

Best Ever Blackadder

A cunning plan for May Bank Holiday Sunday.

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

We spoke to Marcus du Sautoy to find out how the show is made.

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Dave is proud to present a brand new podcast hosted by Alex Horne with guests including Dan Antopolski, Rob Beckett and Tony Law.

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Fancy yourself as a bit of a brainiac? Wrap your grey stuff around these...

Quotes

  • Start Quote In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. End Quote

    - Douglas Adams

  • Start Quote Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. End Quote

    - Douglas Adams

  • Start Quote This is the first time in my lifetime that Irish people are able to go: 'What? You're going to England? It's full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We've no terrorists at all. They're all playwrights now.' End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote It's silly to make generalisations, but if you talk to anyone in the south for longer than five minutes, they will try to sell you fruit. End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich. End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. End Quote

    - Dorothy Parker

  • Start Quote I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage. End Quote

    - Noel Coward

  • Start Quote British ferries have stopped transporting live animals to the Continent. This has made it very difficult for England fans to get to Away matches. End Quote

    - Jo Brand

  • Start Quote My father's name is Mohammed. Which he abbreviates to Bob. End Quote

    - Shazia Mirza

  • Start Quote I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote I wanted to be John Cleese and it took some time to realise the job was, in fact, taken. End Quote

    - Douglas Adams

  • Start Quote On a film star: She delivered a performance that ran the gamut of emotions from A to B. End Quote

    - Dorothy Parker

  • Start Quote The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. End Quote

    - George Carlin

  • Start Quote Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think. End Quote

    - Ambrose Bierce

  • Start Quote Nostalgia is heroin for old people. End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. End Quote

    - Groucho Marx

  • Start Quote The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter. End Quote

    - Winston Churchill

  • Start Quote On her lack of exercise: I went along to the GP and said, 'I'm really worried, is there anything I can actually do?' He said, 'Don't panic. Just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath.' So I started smoking again, and it's really done the trick. End Quote

    - Jo Brand

  • Start Quote Circus: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. End Quote

    - Ambrose Bierce

  • Start Quote Apologise: To lay the foundation for a future offence. End Quote

    - Ambrose Bierce

  • Start Quote Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. End Quote

    - Spike Milligan

  • Start Quote Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX! End Quote

    - Russell Brand

  • Start Quote A common misconception of me is that I'm very grumpy. I'm only quite grumpy. I am very forgiving in a vengeful way. End Quote

    - Jeremy Hardy

  • Start Quote Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the corpse. End Quote

    - PG Wodehouse

  • Start Quote Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. End Quote

    - WC Fields

  • Start Quote On talent shows: A bit like watching a programme in which children queue up to be punched in the face by Father Christmas. Absolutely riveting for all the wrong reasons. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

  • Start Quote Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two. End Quote

    - Frankie Boyle

  • Start Quote If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. End Quote

    - WC Fields

  • Start Quote Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. End Quote

    - Tim Vine

  • Start Quote It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote All the women in my family wear the hijab. Which is good because it means they can share the one bus pass. End Quote

    - Shazia Mirza

  • Start Quote The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking. End Quote

    - Terry Pratchett

  • Start Quote How do you know it's time to wash the dishes? Look inside your pants. If you find a penis in there, it's not time. End Quote

    - Jo Brand

  • Start Quote On being gay: As I was being born, I looked up at my mother and said: that's the last time I'm going up one of those. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed. End Quote

    - Russell Brand

  • Start Quote Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you. End Quote

    - Billy Connolly

  • Start Quote All these programmes on telly about women being domestic goddesses are just not true, are they? I'd like to have a programme that truly represented how women approach the housework. And if I did, it would be called, 'F*ck it, that'll do.' End Quote

    - Jo Brand

  • Start Quote People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote By 2030 there'll be no fish in the sea, according to a CNN report. I blame Comic Relief for that slogan they came up with. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod, and... he'll go mental won't he? Greedy bastard. End Quote

    - Ricky Gervais

  • Start Quote On airline food: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey - don't eat. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote On trekking abroad: I lost my corkscrew and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. End Quote

    - WC Fields

  • Start Quote I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

  • Start Quote I know all teenagers want a computer of their own, but if they want to lock themselves in their rooms and damage their eyesight for hours on end, they don't need a computer to do it. End Quote

    - Jeremy Hardy

  • Start Quote The best thing anyone's ever shouted at me? Oi you Paki. Go back to India. End Quote

    - Shazia Mirza

  • Start Quote Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much. End Quote

    - Oscar Wilde

  • Start Quote On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason? End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? End Quote

    - Billy Connolly

  • Start Quote A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. So I went over. Nobody was home. End Quote

    - Rodney Dangerfield

All quotes