Best Ever Blackadder

Best Ever Blackadder

A cunning plan for May Bank Holiday Sunday.

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

Behind the scenes of Hard Sums

We spoke to Marcus du Sautoy to find out how the show is made.

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Alex Horne Breaks the News

Dave is proud to present a brand new podcast hosted by Alex Horne with guests including Dan Antopolski, Rob Beckett and Tony Law.

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers

Fancy yourself as a bit of a brainiac? Wrap your grey stuff around these...

Quotes

  • Start Quote On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason? End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote Grandchildren can be f\*\*king annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage. End Quote

    - Noel Coward

  • Start Quote Imagine forcing the cast of Emmerdale to hurriedly construct Las Vegas at gunpoint in the rain. That's Glastonbury. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

  • Start Quote Book dedication: To my daughter Leonora without whose never-failing sympathy and encouragement this book would have been finished in half the time. End Quote

    - PG Wodehouse

  • Start Quote I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. End Quote

    - Woody Allen

  • Start Quote He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say 'when'. End Quote

    - PG Wodehouse

  • Start Quote I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity. End Quote

    - Jo Brand

  • Start Quote Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX! End Quote

    - Russell Brand

  • Start Quote On a film star: She delivered a performance that ran the gamut of emotions from A to B. End Quote

    - Dorothy Parker

  • Start Quote This is the first time in my lifetime that Irish people are able to go: 'What? You're going to England? It's full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We've no terrorists at all. They're all playwrights now.' End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. End Quote

    - Rodney Dangerfield

  • Start Quote On Osama bin Laden: He's the face the media have decided to put on terror, but it doesn't mean he's actually running the operation. It's kind of like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Just because the Colonel's picture's on the bucket, doesn't mean he's actually making the chicken. End Quote

    - Rich Hall

  • Start Quote There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that night time look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? End Quote

    - Eddie Izzard

  • Start Quote On wedding buffets: Vol au vents, chicken legs, cheesecake. Vol au vents, chicken legs, cheesecake. That's all it is, same food repeated. Always reminds of Scooby Doo, the cartoon, where they always used to run down a corridor passing the same things. Plant, clock, plant, clock. End Quote

    - Peter Kay

  • Start Quote Why is it called a Brazilian when it looks more like Chile? End Quote

    - Jeremy Hardy

  • Start Quote I think animal testing is cruel. They get all nervous and give silly answers. End Quote

    - Stephen Fry

  • Start Quote On motor homes: I'm really only happy when I'm bent double in a small space washing my hair in recycled urine. End Quote

    - Julian Clary

  • Start Quote Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. End Quote

    - Oscar Wilde

  • Start Quote Technology is getting so stupidly powerful. For example, my iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen and frustrated and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite. End Quote

    - Dara O'Briain

  • Start Quote When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. End Quote

    - Peter Kay

  • Start Quote On erotic vs. kinky: It's the difference between using a feather and using a chicken. End Quote

    - Terry Pratchett

  • Start Quote Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think. End Quote

    - Ambrose Bierce

  • Start Quote I fall in love every seven years or so. I can feel it coming on. It must be like menstruation - I get all flustered and irritable. End Quote

    - Julian Clary

  • Start Quote It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

  • Start Quote On David Cameron being sneezed on: This is what happens in this country. In America they assassinate people; here we just wipe snot on their backs. Fundamentally we're better people. End Quote

    - Paul Merton

  • Start Quote Death Before Dishonour. Exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here? Because I could handle quite a lot. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

  • Start Quote I discovered I was on the shortlist for Greatest Living Britain. Greatest living Britain? I wanted to bring Isaac Newton down a peg or two. What's he done since gravity? I followed up The Office with Extras. End Quote

    - Ricky Gervais

  • Start Quote I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled. End Quote

    - PG Wodehouse

  • Start Quote Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. End Quote

    - George Carlin

  • Start Quote The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. End Quote

    - Groucho Marx

  • Start Quote He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions. End Quote

    - Terry Pratchett

  • Start Quote I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about the butcher and my wife. End Quote

    - Rodney Dangerfield

  • Start Quote All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. End Quote

    - Steven Wright

  • Start Quote People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here. End Quote

    - Dylan Moran

  • Start Quote I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray. End Quote

    - Tim Vine

  • Start Quote I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. End Quote

    - Woody Allen

  • Start Quote When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. End Quote

    - Woody Allen

  • Start Quote The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. End Quote

    - PG Wodehouse

  • Start Quote A common misconception of me is that I'm very grumpy. I'm only quite grumpy. I am very forgiving in a vengeful way. End Quote

    - Jeremy Hardy

  • Start Quote I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. End Quote

    - Joan Rivers

  • Start Quote The world's divided into good and bad people. The good ones sleep better, but the bad ones enjoy the waking hours more. End Quote

    - Woody Allen

  • Start Quote I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I'm not feeling so well myself. End Quote

    - Mark Twain

  • Start Quote Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. End Quote

    - WC Fields

  • Start Quote I thought I'd begin by reading a sonnet by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. End Quote

    - Spike Milligan

  • Start Quote On the Empire: We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. I claim India for Britain. And they're going: You can't claim us. We live here. There's five hundred million of us. Ah, but do you have a flag? We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard. End Quote

    - Eddie Izzard

  • Start Quote On Jamie Oliver: He's ultimately harmless. His idea of a coke-fuelled threesome is a glass of cola followed by a bacon, brie and avocado sandwich, and the only time you hear him growling 'You know you want it' is when he's holding a steaming roast lamb up to camera. End Quote

    - Charlie Brooker

All quotes