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Try a QI quiz
There's a QI quiz for every single letter of the alphabet. Well, there is if the alphabet only consisted of the letters A-F.
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Let Word War III commence
Argumental Outtakes!
Want more Argumental do you? Well, we'll do any thing to make you happy! Just click on the play button for the outakes from tonight's episode! Or on the link below from more from Argumental.
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Spaced
The archetypal slacker comedy starring Simon Pegg arrives on Dave, Mondays at 10pm. Read profiles of the cast, watch some of our favourite clips and take our Spaced quiz here.
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Dara Ó Briain's exclusive Dave blog
Here's 10 ideas for Scenes We'd Like to See that didn't make it into Mock the Week. Wonder why...?
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Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle
Catch Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle every Monday at 11:10pm on Dave.
Rufus Hound's Argumental blog
Take a microscope to the pores of my skin you'd see thousands of tiny, individual, beads of success pouring out of me like women cascading from Russell Brand's hotel room.
Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Miss Simon Amstell in the new series of Buzzcocks? Get your Amstell fix every Wednesdays at 11pm with Dave premiere episodes from series 21.
Read moreQuizzes
Top 10 times they got it wrong on QI
It's our sad duty to report that even QI, the receptacle of all things wise and witty, sometimes goes a bit wonky.
Quotes
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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
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If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
- George Carlin
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My children won't even eat chips because some little know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable.
- Victoria Wood
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A common misconception of me is that I'm very grumpy. I'm only quite grumpy. I am very forgiving in a vengeful way.
- Jeremy Hardy
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There are various ways to give up smoking — nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.
- Paul Merton
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I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
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On the Coronation Street theme tune: The aural equivalent of having half-chewed, week-old Battenberg cake dribbled into your ear canal by a senile grandparent.
- Charlie Brooker
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People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
- Bill Bailey
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Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.
- Billy Connolly
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On talent shows: A bit like watching a programme in which children queue up to be punched in the face by Father Christmas. Absolutely riveting for all the wrong reasons.
- Charlie Brooker
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright
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Wags stand for Wives and Girlfriends of a footballer, but as we all know you can't be a wife and a girlfriend. It should actually be called Wog. Wife Or Girlfriend of a footballer. But I understand this could have racist connotations which could take Liverpool back 5 years.
- Shazia Mirza
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If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
- WC Fields
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In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.
- Jack Dee
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What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.
- Russell Brand
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On reading the A to Z: Can't wait to see what happens at the end. The characters aren't up to much but the places, they seem so real.
- Paul Merton
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The first Underground station ever opened was Baker Street in 1906. What was the point of that? Where would you go?
- Paul Merton
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I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself laughing.
- Jack Dee
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Black Beauty. He's a dark horse.
- Tim Vine
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On motor homes: I'm really only happy when I'm bent double in a small space washing my hair in recycled urine.
- Julian Clary
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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- Steven Wright
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I have been complimented many times and it always embarrasses me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
- Mark Twain
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It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face.
- Charlie Brooker
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In the course of my life I've often had to eat my words, and I must confess I've always found it a wholesome diet.
- Winston Churchill
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It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.
- Stephen Fry
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Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.
- Noel Coward
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The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door.
- Julian Clary
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That woman speaks 18 languages and can't say 'No' in any of them.
- Dorothy Parker
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Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
- Ambrose Bierce
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Pratchett's guide to mushrooms: 1. All fungi are edible. 2. Some fungi are not edible more than once.
- Terry Pratchett
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To a writer he knew: From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
- Groucho Marx
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen
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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Steven Wright
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Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.
- Noel Coward
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Work is much more fun than fun.
- Noel Coward
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On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
- Billy Connolly
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
- WC Fields
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Let's think the unthinkable, let's do the undoable, let's prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.
- Douglas Adams
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My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her.
- Paul Merton
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I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.
- Bill Bailey
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Apologise: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
- Ambrose Bierce
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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- Peter Kay
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I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about the butcher and my wife.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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I drink therefore I am.
- WC Fields
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On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.
- Bill Bailey
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- George Carlin
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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time. Which is just long enough to be President of the United States.
- Spike Milligan
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I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.
- Noel Coward
