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Dara O Briain's Homework Puzzles
How much change should the waiter really have brought you?
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Dara O Briain: School Of Hard Sums
The Mock The Week star goes on a journey into the realms of pure logic - watch a teaser from Ep 6 with Alex Horne.
Mondays at 8pm -
All new Top Gear
The motor-mad man-children are back with Series 18 of the car show everyone loves to love.
Tuesdays at 8pm -
Dave’s One Night Stand
We've chosen our favourite episodes from the past three series.
Thursdays at 10pm -
Win a Suits Series 1 DVD
Watch some EXCLUSIVE OUTTAKES for the chance to win a DVD.
Are you Suits' greatest fan?
Find out with our Suits Series 1 quiz.
Which Dragon are you?
Which guru would you be in the Den?
Red Dwarf series 2 quiz
Catch the last two eps of Red Dwarf S2 remastered, Friday at 9pm - and take our fan quiz now!
Dara O Briain's Brainteasers
Dara has set you some baffling brainteasers. Can you solve his puzzles?
Quizzes
Top 10 times they got it wrong on QI
Even QI, the receptacle of all things wise and witty, sometimes goes a bit wonky.
Quotes
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The best thing anyone's ever shouted at me? Oi you Paki. Go back to India.
- Shazia Mirza
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Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
- Peter Kay
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.
- Jimmy Carr
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Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!
- Russell Brand
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I know all teenagers want a computer of their own, but if they want to lock themselves in their rooms and damage their eyesight for hours on end, they don't need a computer to do it.
- Jeremy Hardy
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How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?
- Russell Brand
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
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Sex is like a game of bridge. If you don't get a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Peter Kay
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
- Tim Vine
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It's a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face.
- Charlie Brooker
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On the Ferrari Enzo: Ferrari is so pleased with it, they've named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That'd be the same as Lotus calling their next car... the Colin.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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There's no such thing as a tough child. Parboil them for seven hours and they always come out tender.
- WC Fields
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Imagine forcing the cast of Emmerdale to hurriedly construct Las Vegas at gunpoint in the rain. That's Glastonbury.
- Charlie Brooker
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
- George Carlin
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Used to be, a crazy person would walk around talking to themselves, muttering words like 'Pancakes, pancakes, love em love love em, yes, yes, big hot buttery pancakes.' So you'd cross the street, right, to get away from the pancake nut. But nowadays they're probably just talking into a phone. They're probably the president of a major pancake corporation.
- Rich Hall
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How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- Steven Wright
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How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
- Spike Milligan
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Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch breakfast TV.
- Victoria Wood
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I have been complimented many times and it always embarrasses me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
- Mark Twain
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On a dull car: It has the zip of a chairlift. The only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
- WC Fields
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Grandchildren can be f\*\*king annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.
- Joan Rivers
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They were the sort of people generally called salt of the earth. In other words they were hard, square and bad for your health.
- Terry Pratchett
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On David Cameron being sneezed on: This is what happens in this country. In America they assassinate people; here we just wipe snot on their backs. Fundamentally we're better people.
- Paul Merton
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If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.
- Paul Merton
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I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
- PG Wodehouse
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On Osama bin Laden: He's the face the media have decided to put on terror, but it doesn't mean he's actually running the operation. It's kind of like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Just because the Colonel's picture's on the bucket, doesn't mean he's actually making the chicken.
- Rich Hall
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- WC Fields
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When I was younger I made it a rule never to take a drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
- Winston Churchill
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By 2030 there'll be no fish in the sea, according to a CNN report. I blame Comic Relief for that slogan they came up with. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod, and... he'll go mental won't he? Greedy bastard.
- Ricky Gervais
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I don't have hobbies, hobbies cost money. Interests, on the other hand, are quite free.
- George Carlin
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On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
- Billy Connolly
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On talent shows: A bit like watching a programme in which children queue up to be punched in the face by Father Christmas. Absolutely riveting for all the wrong reasons.
- Charlie Brooker
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They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.
- Frankie Boyle
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If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
- WC Fields
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My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.
- Victoria Wood
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I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars.
- Jack Dee
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British ferries have stopped transporting live animals to the Continent. This has made it very difficult for England fans to get to Away matches.
- Jo Brand
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.
- George Carlin
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I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other's post.
- Paul Merton
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When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It's of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.
- Spike Milligan
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There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that night time look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
- Eddie Izzard
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- Steven Wright
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I wanted to be John Cleese and it took some time to realise the job was, in fact, taken.
- Douglas Adams
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Television is for appearing on, not looking at.
- Noel Coward
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I went to the dog races the other day. It was like Ascot for chavs.
- Jimmy Carr
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
- Tim Vine
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My school days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
- Paul Merton
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To an American audience: I'm from a little place called England. We used to run the world before you.
- Ricky Gervais
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
- Tim Vine
