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Dara's homework puzzle
Can you get all four people across a bridge before your flashlight dies?
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The Thick Of It - Series 3
Dave premiere of Armando Iannucci's biting satire, Fridays at 10pm.
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Alex Horne Breaks the News
Dave has a brand new comedy podcast - download some witty banter straight into your ears now. This week's guests are TIM Key and DAN ANTOPOLSKI.
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Dara's School of Hard Sums
Tim Key and Alex Horne join Dara O Briain for the final episode, Wed at 8pm. Watch a teaser, why don't you?
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Dave on Demand
Catch up on the awesomeness that is Lizard Lick Towing and loads more Dave shows.
Suits Season 2 quiz
Do you have Mike's magic memory when it comes to Suits S2?
10 Storage Hunters weirdest finds
The oddest things to turn up on the show.
Alex Horne Breaks the News
This week on Alex Horne Breaks the News are guests Tim Key and Dan Antopolski joining in the dismantling of the week's big news.
Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers
Fancy yourself as a bit of a brainiac? Wrap your grey stuff around these...
Quizzes
Malcolm Tucker's 10 Best Apocalyinsults
The Thick of It's swear-monster has raised the insult to an art form.
Quotes
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There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff which comes under That's grand, then it moves into Ah now don't push it, and finally it comes under Right now you're takin the piss, and that's when the police come in.
- Dara O'Briain
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I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.
- Bill Bailey
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I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.
- Stephen Fry
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When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
- Steven Wright
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The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door.
- Julian Clary
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I think animal testing is cruel. They get all nervous and give silly answers.
- Stephen Fry
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In the course of my life I've often had to eat my words, and I must confess I've always found it a wholesome diet.
- Winston Churchill
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What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
- Frankie Boyle
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The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
- Tim Vine
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Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.
- Billy Connolly
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On trying to explain the Milky Bar Kid to Americans: In the case of a Wild West conflict, the surest path to peace is to send in an albino child with chocolate.
- Dara O'Briain
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On Osama bin Laden: He's the face the media have decided to put on terror, but it doesn't mean he's actually running the operation. It's kind of like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Just because the Colonel's picture's on the bucket, doesn't mean he's actually making the chicken.
- Rich Hall
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On releasing your potential: Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.
- Dylan Moran
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Work is much more fun than fun.
- Noel Coward
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That woman speaks 18 languages and can't say 'No' in any of them.
- Dorothy Parker
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Snakes. They're like bits of rope, only angrier.
- Charlie Brooker
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- George Carlin
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I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- Paul Merton
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- WC Fields
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On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.
- Bill Bailey
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What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
- Groucho Marx
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I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
- Jimmy Carr
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On former Prime Minister Clement Attlee: He is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill
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If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?
- Dara O'Briain
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
- Tim Vine
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
- Joan Rivers
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Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
- Douglas Adams
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Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing; people will think we're workmen.
- Spike Milligan
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On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?
- Dara O'Briain
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Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
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Going to Primark is like going on safari. You trudge slowly around looking carefully for something really interesting. Then, as soon as you set eyes on it, you're crushed by a herd of stampeding buffalo.
- Shazia Mirza
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On being gay: As I was being born, I looked up at my mother and said: that's the last time I'm going up one of those.
- Stephen Fry
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Death Before Dishonour. Exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here? Because I could handle quite a lot.
- Dylan Moran
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The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
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Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'
- Billy Connolly
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
- Tim Vine
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If you can play a guitar and harmonica at the same time, like Bob Dylan or Neil Young, you're a genius. But make that extra bit of effort and strap some cymbals to your knees, suddenly people want to get the hell away from you.
- Rich Hall
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On a dull car: It has the zip of a chairlift. The only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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Politics is the ability to tell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
- Winston Churchill
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I had some glasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright
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Getting a movie made in Hollywood is like trying to grill a steak by having a succession of people coming into the room and breathing on it.
- Douglas Adams
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On the gay clergy controversy: What is the point in being a clergyman if you're not gay? It's really just for those gay men who are too plain to be airline stewards. And Communion is just drinks and snacks - the only thing missing is the trolley.
- Jeremy Hardy
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Used to be, a crazy person would walk around talking to themselves, muttering words like 'Pancakes, pancakes, love em love love em, yes, yes, big hot buttery pancakes.' So you'd cross the street, right, to get away from the pancake nut. But nowadays they're probably just talking into a phone. They're probably the president of a major pancake corporation.
- Rich Hall
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I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
- Tim Vine
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Black Beauty. He's a dark horse.
- Tim Vine
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By 2030 there'll be no fish in the sea, according to a CNN report. I blame Comic Relief for that slogan they came up with. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod, and... he'll go mental won't he? Greedy bastard.
- Ricky Gervais
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I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
- Peter Kay
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On Stephen Hawking: He's not a genius, he's pretentious. Born in Kent and talks with an American accent!
- Ricky Gervais
