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Dara's homework puzzle
Can you get all four people across a bridge before your flashlight dies?
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The Thick Of It - Series 3
Dave premiere of Armando Iannucci's biting satire, Fridays at 10pm.
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Alex Horne Breaks the News
Dave has a brand new comedy podcast - download some witty banter straight into your ears now. This week's guests are TIM Key and DAN ANTOPOLSKI.
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Dara's School of Hard Sums
Tim Key and Alex Horne join Dara O Briain for the final episode, Wed at 8pm. Watch a teaser, why don't you?
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Dave on Demand
Catch up on the awesomeness that is Lizard Lick Towing and loads more Dave shows.
Suits Season 2 quiz
Do you have Mike's magic memory when it comes to Suits S2?
10 Storage Hunters weirdest finds
The oddest things to turn up on the show.
Alex Horne Breaks the News
This week on Alex Horne Breaks the News are guests Tim Key and Dan Antopolski joining in the dismantling of the week's big news.
Dara's homework puzzles and brainteasers
Fancy yourself as a bit of a brainiac? Wrap your grey stuff around these...
Quizzes
Malcolm Tucker's 10 Best Apocalyinsults
The Thick of It's swear-monster has raised the insult to an art form.
Quotes
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
- Tim Vine
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Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'
- Billy Connolly
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On Ross Kemp: The moment Kemp walks onscreen he enters into a demented staring competition with everyone else in the room, including the viewers at home. He could out-stare a man with two glass eyes.
- Charlie Brooker
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers
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Tony Blair was our first metrosexual prime minister. He had enough personality to be gay, yet caused enough atrocities to be straight.
- Shazia Mirza
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About Angus Deayton: His name is Angus. The G is silent.
- Paul Merton
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The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
- Tim Vine
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Apologise: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
- Ambrose Bierce
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He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say 'when'.
- PG Wodehouse
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When I was younger I made it a rule never to take a drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
- Winston Churchill
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I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it's an animal's duty to be on my plate at suppertime.
- Jeremy Clarkson
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No-one grows up wanting to be a junkie, eat Utterly Butterly or listen to Phil Collins. Capitalism wears you down.
- Jeremy Hardy
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On her lack of exercise: I went along to the GP and said, 'I'm really worried, is there anything I can actually do?' He said, 'Don't panic. Just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath.' So I started smoking again, and it's really done the trick.
- Jo Brand
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How do you know it's time to wash the dishes? Look inside your pants. If you find a penis in there, it's not time.
- Jo Brand
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British ferries have stopped transporting live animals to the Continent. This has made it very difficult for England fans to get to Away matches.
- Jo Brand
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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
- Billy Connolly
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To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness.
- Oscar Wilde
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Squash - that's not exercise, it's flagellation.
- Noel Coward
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Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
- Ambrose Bierce
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How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- Steven Wright
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Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
- Terry Pratchett
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I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
- Victoria Wood
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As an Anglican, you don't lose your faith - you just can't remember where you left it.
- Jeremy Hardy
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The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
- PG Wodehouse
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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
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I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.
- Ricky Gervais
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Being Asian, I love doing overtime. I don't feel human if I haven't worked a 900-hour week and opened up a couple of new businesses.
- Shazia Mirza
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Clothes maketh the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
- Mark Twain
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The best thing anyone's ever shouted at me? Oi you Paki. Go back to India.
- Shazia Mirza
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Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.
- Stephen Fry
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On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.
- Russell Brand
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To an American audience: I'm from a little place called England. We used to run the world before you.
- Ricky Gervais
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I fall in love every seven years or so. I can feel it coming on. It must be like menstruation - I get all flustered and irritable.
- Julian Clary
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My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
- Peter Kay
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I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers
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I wish they'd stop improving car washes. They just keep adding to the choice on that menu. The super valet, super foam valet, super wax valet. When all you want is a button that says: Get this sh*t off my bonnet.
- Jack Dee
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Remember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work.
- Russell Brand
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If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?
- Dara O'Briain
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
- Tim Vine
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On Osama bin Laden: He's the face the media have decided to put on terror, but it doesn't mean he's actually running the operation. It's kind of like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Just because the Colonel's picture's on the bucket, doesn't mean he's actually making the chicken.
- Rich Hall
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
- Frankie Boyle
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I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.
- Bill Bailey
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My father's name is Mohammed. Which he abbreviates to Bob.
- Shazia Mirza
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
- Tim Vine
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The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- WC Fields
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
- Joan Rivers
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Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.
- Billy Connolly
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- George Carlin
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I've done a bit of Latin my time, but I can control it.
- Eddie Izzard
