Dave's guide to Celebrity Big Brother
Posted by Dave on 19 Aug 11
There was a time when shepherding low-grade celebrities into a house and filming them would have landed you at best in court and at worst in a secure unit. These days it's merely a sign Celebrity Big Brother is back with a bang. No, that wasn't a Kerry Katona gag.
The 'big names'
It's the first time Channel 5 have broadcast Big Brother so naturally they've pulled out all the stops. There had been rumours that walking anti-drugs campaign Charlie Sheen was set to walk through the famous doors but luckily sanity, or perhaps budget-constraints, prevailed. No one wants to see the bloke from Hot Shots trying to snort the little fella off Waterloo Road. Instead of Charlie, then, we've got Jedward – the two-headed annoyance machine who first sprang into our lives via cackling despot Simon Cowell. With the combined street-smarts of a lesser member of the Top Cat gang, these hairsprayed pocket wallies are clearly Channel 5's attempt at securing 'must-see moments'. Sadly they've confused 'must-see moments' with 'baffled innocents crying as jaded adults turn on them and their boundless energy'.
The eye-candy
Every reality show needs its bovine beauties, because it's been scientifically proven people will watch for longer if there's something vaguely foxy-shaped to stare at as the tides of inane blather wash over them like a fountain of slurry. As well as securing a young man who looks like an offcut from one of JLS, and who's apparently been in Corrie, the cunning execs at 5 have also signed up a male model with a name straight out the World Wrestling Federation, Bobby Sabel – a man who makes up for his tedious good looks with a personality about as dynamic as Nigel Mansell's favourite tea cosy. Keeping up appearances for the women are The Only Way Is Essex's Poundshop Jordan, Amy Childs, and movie star Tara Reid. Sadly Tara's been on the Lindsay Lohan diet of late and looks a little like a heat-warped painting of herself circa 2005.
The meat in the room
Clearly having had to fork out to secure Jedward there are a number of rather, ahem, lesser-known types flapping around the house in their best going-out jerseys. As well as the previously mentioned Bobby Sabel and Lucien Laviscount, the house has been blessed by the presence of Pamela Bach Hasselhoff (that Hasselhoff bit of her name being the only thing vaguely famous about her) and Darryn Lyons. No single human life is long enough to write quite contemptuously enough about Lyons, a preening, technicolour cockatoo-headed moron who makes money out of getting grown adults to take photographs of minor celebrities' pants, usually while lying in the gutter. He'll probably win.
The left-field
Not content with the usual lineup of boyband members, soap stars and general tabloid fodder, the bookers for this series have made a couple of particularly baffling choices. Paddy Doherty, the muscly patriarch from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding might seem like an 'edgy' kind of choice, bound to bring a certain grit to proceedings. Sadly on the opening night's viewing the only edge he's interested in is that of the sofa where he proceeded to sit in splendid, slightly menacing, isolation. Surprisingly for a man who rules over a community with an iron fist the thought of chatting to Kerry Katona about how tough she's had it didn't seem to appeal. Equally odd is the wife of the Commons' Speaker, Sally Bercow. Expect her to sink to Galloway type humiliations by the imaginary cat-load.
The Les Dennis award for most likely to have a meltdown
Kerry Katona.
