If I have to like X-Factor then John and Edward rock my world
Posted by Dave Tanner on 21 Oct 09 in World according to Dave
For years I've sat around my office with an angry expression and crossed arms while my colleagues discuss X-Factor as if it's as important as bread or oxygen. Now I'm living among those that regard the jumped-up Opportunity Knocks as an essential part of their weekend routine. Each and every time I have rather arrogantly and self-righteously thought I was taking the moral high-ground by announcing my hatred of the thing. Well, enough is enough.
I've been watching it for the past two weeks and have become thoroughly engrossed; and what's more I have firmly placed myself in the John and Edward camp. Absolutely marvellous.
From the acts that are meant to be the good ones all I can do to stop myself from falling fast asleep is to hurl abuse at them (let's face it, all of us do it). There's the little fellow who has been wheeled in from a petting zoo that warbles everything and will get through simply because he has big eye-lashes, there's three curvy ladies shouting songs – I think they are called 'Lagerbabes.'
Then there's the one that sings and cries and who is criticised for sounding too much like Leona Lewis whom, from what I remember, sang and cried. There was no hint of a personality there. And last year's winner, Alexandra something or other, was very good at singing and crying. This year there are contestants who are very good at singing and crying. The bloke with the bush on his head, the posh-looking bloke who melts before he goes to bed every evening, and the bloke who looks a bit like Jamie from EastEnders who's given the wrong song every time.
And then there are some others. All of them can occasionally hold a note (though not very often), but all of whom could easily be replaced by a billboard of themselves with a Mariah Carey record playing in the background. It's all very well being able to sing, but I've been more fascinated by corrugated iron.
That's why I love John and Edward. As they bounced around the stage wearing ridiculous outfits and singing the musical equivalent of Hubba-Bubba, I and the most of the audience were thoroughly entertained. What makes me love them even more is the rather tragic reaction they seem to be getting from the audience at the results stage and Facebook status-fraternity. "OMG!!!!! I cannot b-leave dose twyns r stil innit, innit :-{;".
Neither Robbie, Kylie or Madonna are overly-blessed in the tuneful-throat department. But then that isn't important – the reason they have been around so long is that they are vaguely interesting. Kylie and Madonna have both reinvented themselves more times than Clive Sinclair, while Robbie has been known to sing a tune that we still remember fondly today.
But if you tear yourself away from the soap-opera aspect of X Factor and think about these acts as proper pop performers then you'll realise that John and Edward were in fact better singers than the two contestants who 'faced the judges' in the bottom two. The cheeky chap in the hat avoided the right notes like a cat avoids a bath, while the eighties-hair woman NOT from the Noisettes dedicated the sentiment With or Without You to the notion of a tune.
And it's my conclusion that the only act even near to being in any way interesting are John and Edward. They chose simple pop ditties that didn't require a struggle as they probably know their limitations. And even if they do hold a tune like a kitten holds a wet bar of soap and they have all the chorographical direction of a daddy-long-legs on fire, their inane hopping about and shiny faces are the only thing stopping me from nodding off in four hours of weekend television.
And, what the hell – John and Edward for Prime Ministers.
