Judgement Dave blog

Sex. Fun isn’t it? The problem is that sometimes it can go wrong because being a bloke you are subject to cocking things up once in a while. It can go especially wrong when you’re with a new partner can’t it? Well never fear, as Dave is here to help. We’ve been in touch with a real life lady who is by all accounts a sexpert and she’s given us a list of the top ten things that really annoy women in bed.

1. Not shaving first
It's hard to concentrate on reaching the giddy heights of sexual passion when someone's shredding your face, breasts and thighs to ribbons with coarse grade sandpaper. How do you think Mr Rippling Torso in the Gillette advert got to be a racing car driver and have lascivious women falling over him? He knew how to use a razor that's how. So take a tip from him and you too could be awash in ladies.

2. Leaving a little gift
You wore the condom, you throw the thing away. Don't tie a knot in it and throw it nonchalantly off the side of the bed. It could end up in her handbag and then she'll be the plonker who whips it out with her pass on the jam-packed night bus. Horrible.

3. Constant talking
If you fancy a conversation, start it after rather than during sex. Trust her, if she's is enjoying herself she'll make all the right noises. You don't have to keep checking by asking "Are you having a good time?", "Is this nice?", "Do you like this?", "What about this, do you like this?" constantly throughout. Unless you’re Alan Partridge - “what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich City centre?”

4. Open-eyed kissing
She's well into minute two of your passionate snog and she's loving it. What a terrific kisser you are. Then she opens her eyes slightly and catches yours which are wide open and staring like a psychopath in the headlights of an oncoming 4X4. It's unnerving and unromantic so don't forget to shut them.

5. Taking too long
Never thought you’d hear this did you? But don't think you're a sexual superhero if you can go on pumping for hours like an over-charged industrial power tool. It's quality, not quantity she's after here so take it slowly, and avoid the pneumatic drill effect if you want to get her between your sheets again.

6. Shoddy personal hygiene
You might be a grungy student and into Greenpeace, muesli, Jean Paul Sartre and all that but have a wash first please. She's spent hours perfecting her hair, make-up and nails especially for you and if you turn up like the great unwashed, the only reason she's going to be taking your clothes off is so that she can put them in the machine.

7. Blowing in her ear like Hurricane Andrew
A little blow in the ear is a good thing. But don't try and go one better by blowing harder like you're trying to extinguish all the candles on your birthday cake at once. You sound like a creepy Burt Reynolds perv-a-like breathing down the phone, so stop it.

8. Poor breast/nipple etiquette
When you get your hands on her breasts, don't squash them like you're testing melons for ripeness in the supermarket or kneading pizza dough like a junior bread chef at Pizza Express. Ditto clamping onto them like a breastfeeding baby. Gently does it.

9. Hit and run sex
Okay, so you've popped your cork and all you want to do now is roll over and start snoring, Wham, bam, put the kettle on ma'am. Well, you can if you like but don't expect her to be there when you finally wake up. No woman enjoys feeling like an object.

10. Re-enacting stuff you've seen in porn movies
According to just about any porn movie in the world, you can give a woman no end of satisfaction just by pinching her nipple, slapping her bottom or simply (and this is a gross one) coming all over her. You might find this a hard one to swallow (ahem) but it isn't true. Porn isn't real life and people in porn movies don't wash their own sheets.
Check out our Valentine's Day Myths Revealed and watch The Dave Guide to Valentine's Bliss