Judgement Dave blog

What are The Ashes?

Right, it may seem weird to the casual armchair enthusiast to name a sporting competition after something normally scattered off the side of a boat in a teary black and white scene at the end of a TV movie. What is this, some sort of zombie throwdown?
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No, in short. Surprisingly the Ashes don’t belong to Geoff Boycott’s business cards from his ill-fated stint at Relate. Their origins lie in the 1882 defeat of England by Australia at the Oval. The press had a field day, so shocked and ashamed by the loss on our home turf to those upstarts from Down Under they called English cricket dead, and ever so drolly declared the Ashes were being taken back to Australia.

The next time the teams met each other, on England’s tour to Oz in 1882/3, it was billed as England going to ‘reclaim the Ashes’ and a tradition was born. The teams contest the Ashes every four years in England, and in Australia, meaning the gap between Ashes tests can be as little as 18 months depending on the seasons in the two different hemispheres. Good old cricket and its confusing time-frames (we’d still love to have been at the meeting when it was decided a game should last five days.)

The exact contents of the urn aren’t clear, with reports verging from the fairly sensible cremated bail or stump to the frankly quite creepy remains of the cricketer King Cole.

What’s all the fuss about?

Australia are some good at cricket. England invented the game, and enjoyed a fine run before all this Ashes palaver began, and in truth it’s been a pretty even split over its history with the Aussies only 31-28 up overall. As such we’re a bit sore about playing second fiddle in recent years.

Traditionally, the England squad carries the weight of expectation and arrogance of a select band hand-picked by Jesus with bats made of lightning, but in recent history it’s failed to deliver on a dramatic scale. Kind of like putting a picture of Brad Pitt on your dating profile only to turn up looking like John McCririck. As cricketing rivalries go there’s none more grating than the Ashes, not least because it’s been an almost unending run of losses since the late 80s if you’re English. And the Aussies are not ones to play down a victory.

We always lose don’t we?
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Not always, just nearly always. Recent years have been a lean time for England in the Ashes, and from 1989 we went on a horrendous run of defeats which lasted up until 2005. However 2005, the last Ashes played in Blighty, was a stone-cold classic, with Freddie Flintoff and co inspiring a heroic victory, as unexpected as it was invigorating. By the fifth, deciding test, people who’d never watched cricket were spouting intricate terminology like a Home Counties umpire, council estates were draped in St George flags and the more intelligent of pets were trying to tune in to Radio 5 live. It was like a fuzzy mass-hallucination which lasted almost as long as Freddie’s hangover.

This year is the first home Ashes series since, so expect more hysteria if we play half-decent, especially after Andy “was-British-but-became-Scottish-again-when-he-lost” Murray letting us all down.

What are our chances?

Well according to the Aussies we don’t have a snowball’s hope in hell after the way they smashed South Africa away from home recently, but they would say that. There are a lot of new faces in the Australian squad, and with an injury to star bowler Brett Lee there’s nothing to prevent us getting off to a flying start.

England's ones to watch:
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As with almost every English team in any sport we have the individuals, with Flintoff, Pietersen and Strauss a match for anyone on their day.
Flintoff - he may be erratic, but on top form he’s a great weapon whether bowling, batting or getting a round in, and he’s got a lot to prove after the last few years of injuries and Gazza-esque indiscipline.
Pietersen - his form has taken a nosedive since the captaincy debacle but he’s a big match player, and let’s face it a poser, so he’ll want to shine on the big stage.
Strauss - the Captain is a safe pair of hands, but with a bit of risk-taking he could follow in Vaughan’s footsteps and lift the trophy.

Australia's ones to watch:
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The Aussies, like the footballing Germans, can never be written off. Ponting - he is a winner, as he’s proved countless times, and will lead his boys into battle certain of victory.
Brett Lee - he may be starting the test injured but he’ll be back, and he’ll be fresh - not good news for the English batsmen.
Philip Hughes - he is the new hot-shot of Aussie cricket, racking up a trouser-moistening 415 runs in three tests against South Africa to give England’s bowlers plenty to think about.

The key for England will be teamwork, taking their chances and being mentally strong enough to combat a ferocious Aussie fight if we look like snatching the Ashes back. Oh yeah, it’s probably worth mentioning they beat us 5-0 last time round, but it is very hot out there.