Judgement Dave blog

Make the events more fatal
Want to know how boxing was done in the Ancient Olympics? Two guys wound straps of leather around their knuckles and basically pummelled or strangled each other until one begged for mercy. Nowadays, injury and death rates are at an all-time low. This should be rectified by having the running track run straight through that bit where people throw javelins. Instantly it's more exciting for us and the athletes.

Bring back cool names
The athletes of the Ancient Olympics had names like Milo of Croton and Koroibos of Elis. We've got Michael Rimmer and Craig Pickering. The Ancient athletes sound like alien overlords and snarling gods of the deep, our athletes sound like supply teachers. The only solution is a variety of ludicrous aliases, to boost morale. Just putting the word 'Darth' in front of everyone's name should do it.

Introduce more chariot racing
Going to a restaurant. The school run. Sex. Almost every activity can be immeasurably improved by the inclusion of a chariot race. In fact, chariot races were a regular fixture in the original Olympics, but of course they're nowhere to be seen today. Bung a chariot race in. If you need to make space in the schedule, take out softball. What is softball, anyway? Even the softball players want to know.

Include a war
Nowadays you hardly ever get armies rushing into the Olympics, throwing spears and killing everything. But back in the day, factions would actually have full-on battles to gain control of the Games. In 364 BC, one group even mounted an attack on the Pentathlon. We think that's pretty rude, but a massive bloodbath would certainly make the opening ceremony more exciting than Beijing's. Just a thought.

Impose mandatory nudity
The lack of gratuitous nakedness in today's Olympics is an insult to everything the Greeks held dear. In their day, athletes would wear nothing but a fine coating of olive oil - all the better to make their pecs and thighs glisten in a god-like way. Bring it back, we say. Let us bask in the bountiful bulk of the weightlifters, worship at the altar of stringy sweaty marathon runners, and gaze in wonderment at things that dangle and flop. Right?

Encourage bad losers
How should an athlete react when they lose an event? They should follow the example of Cleomedes, the Ancient Olympian who, having been disqualified, went berserk and literally destroyed a local school with his bare hands. It was a rampage so magnificent that everyone thought he was possessed by a vengeful god, and he was acclaimed as a divine hero. The moral of the story: if you're going to lose, lose sorely.

Add a god
Zeus was once the God of the Games, but we've yet to come up with a modern replacement. To avoid the risk of athletes coming to blows over religion (amusing as that would be), we suggest a massive marble statue of Daley Thompson. That large thick moustache of his always marked him out as something more than a mere athlete - as more god than man, in fact. Hail Thompson! The Olympics are far better already.