Save the great British boozer
Posted by on 17 Nov 08 in World according to Dave
Beer – arguably the greatest invention in the history of the human race – is going out of fashion. Sales have slumped and pubs are closing in droves. But fret not, proud publicans. We have a five point back-to-basics plan to save the great British boozer.
1. Turn down the noise
Your average modern pub is a garish funhouse of massive TV screens, chattering quiz machines and semi-deafening music. It's like a playpen for your inner child, when it should, in fact, be a dank cave for your inner grunting Neanderthal. Pubs aren't meant to be fun, they're meant to be dour and serious. Is the loud music an attempt to fool us into thinking we're having a good time? Well it simply prevents us from doing what we really want to be doing - namely, muttering to our mates about how much we despise our jobs/partners/selves.
2. Limit the booze (not in that way)
How do you know if you're in the wrong sort of pub? You ask for a glass of red wine and the barmaid asks "What sort?" A pub should only have 'sorts' when it comes to beer which, to be honest, is all you should be drinking anyway. Ditch the Old World and New World and hike up the range of ales, lagers and stouts. If you absolutely must have wine, then you can have the choice of an undrinkable red or an undrinkable white. Alcopops? The booze equivalent of an adult reading Harry Potter. Wrong.
3. Slash the menus
Hitler once said that the bigger the lie, the more people will believe it. He was very probably talking about the phrase 'traditional pub food', a whopping porky that has misled us all into thinking pubs should serve things like bangers and mash and slightly stale roasts. In fact, the only things that can be correctly defined as traditional pub food are crisps, peanuts and, if you really fancy pushing the boat out a bit, pork scratchings. Any other form of edible substance is a distraction. Don't get us started on Thai curries or overpriced organic gastro-fare. If you want to be a restaurant, be a restaurant, and go off and do it somewhere else. Thanks.
4. Bring back smoking (sort of)
"Isn't it great that you can go out drinking and come home without your clothes stinking of smoke!!?" So said everyone ever when the ban kicked in. Then, a few weeks later, when the cigarette-induced fug had properly lifted, we began to notice that pubs smell pretty damn foul of their own accord. Not surprising, perhaps, inhabited as they are by sweaty, lager swilling hordes that go to the toilet a lot and don't always miss. Obviously, we wouldn't go so far as to suggest reinstating smoking in pubs, but surely someone could invent a synthetic alternative with all of the smell and none of the 'problematic bits' that could be pumped out like some kind of tobaccoy air freshener?
5. Ban kids
The past few decades have seen the irresistible rise of the family-friendly pub. But pubs shouldn't be family-friendly. They should be family-hostile. They should make kids cry with boredom and fear. Does not a little part of your soul die when you stroll into a pub and spy a 'play area' in the corner, complete with battered plastic toys and sticky, ketchup-smeared books? If this sounds harsh, let's remember that your average vomit-bespattered pub-goer wouldn't be very welcome in a school playground. We learnt that the hard way.
Are you with us? Then sign our, erm, 'petition' below...
Comments
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i think that a pub should be just that not a social drop in for the social set and there should be a complete half for smokers that the staff and anyone could smoke in and not have to go out side and the other half totally sealed off for none smokers.