I received a press release for the Love Honey Sqweel. It’s a sex toy (hee hee hee). A SEX TOY. A patent pending piece of technology touted as being the most groundbreaking revolution in orgasms ever.
I get sent a lot of press releases about gadgets. Most of them are pointless things that nobody has ever needed, or asked for, like a USB pencil, or a radio controlled onion. Then I received a press release for the Love Honey Sqweel. It stood out. It’s a sex toy (hee hee hee). A SEX TOY. And what’s more it’s a patent pending piece of technology touted as being the most groundbreaking revolution in orgasms ever. It’s a device for women that simulates oral sex. I couldn’t resist getting one.
I’ve never had any objection to porn. Having said that, when I was a lad porn was a very different thing. I can remember finding a copy of the Sunday Sport in some bushes once and suddenly I was the Larry Flynt of my school.
Now I’m not really that kinky a guy. I enjoy a good bit of sex like everybody else (just writing that sentence demonstrates that I’m not exactly Tommy Lee). When it comes to anything more than that I’m a bit awkward. I’m not even very good at talking dirty. It always seems to come out either really seedy or boringly factual. I am however open to trying pretty much anything if the opportunity arises, and it’s not technically gay.
I’ve never had any objection to porn. Having said that, when I was a lad porn was a very different thing. I can remember finding a copy of the Sunday Sport in some bushes once and suddenly I was the Larry Flynt of my school. I can’t imagine what it must be like for teenage boys these days. The Internet is awash with free mind-boggling insanity. As an experiment I just typed the word ‘innocent’ into Google images and turned ‘safe search’ off. The first picture was of some bottles of Innocent Smoothies. The second is The Innocent Man by John Grisham. The third is a drunk girl with 2 playing cards down her bra, the fourth is an Asian couple embracing, and the fifth is a woman bending over with her clothes off. Even the word ‘innocent’ has become filthy.
I should point out here that I’m not complaining about this at all. I just wonder what it must be like to grow up with all this. Instead of fishing a ripped black and white photo of a Page 3 girl out of a lake, you can now casually sit in the privacy of your own room and watch an ostrich pooing into a condom, freezing it, then using it as a strap on with a blind dentist. If I’d grown up with that then maybe I’d have no trouble at all buying a sex toy called a Love Honey Squweel and asking my girlfriend if she could use it AND let me write about the experience on the World Wide Web. We’ve only been going out a few months so I wasn’t sure how she’d react.
Luckily she is the most amazing person in the world. After a couple of rather sheepish emails from me and a giggly conversation, she agreed it would be quite funny to have a go.
A week later a package was sat on my desk at work. I couldn’t resist getting it out. Obviously the moment I got it out of the box some colleagues came over to my desk and I had to throw it under the table. It was hard to maintain a serious conversation about work knowing there was revolution in orgasms going on by my feet. I decided I’d wait until I met up with my girlfriend to have a proper look at it. My first impressions were that it was nicely packaged and seemed to look quite professional (Christ, there I go again with the dirty talking).
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