With Simon Cowell now more influential than any cackling despot on our once beautiful Earth, it's no surprise that more people than ever are willing to face a tongue-lashing in the vain hope he'll turn them into 'successful' recording artists. But it's not just members of the public whose careers could benefit from his help.
Gordon Brown
Why? Even Gordon's most faithful supporter would have to admit that he's skating on pretty thin electoral ice at the minute. In fact, Labour's popularity has been gently shrivelling from the moment he took over the top job.
Recommended song: He may be no Rod Stewart, but a heartfelt rendition of Money, Money, Money by ABBA would certainly be emotional, not least due to the fact he'd doubtlessly be weeping throughout.
Simon's verdict: "Who told you that you could sing? It's no wonder I'm having to pay almost one hundred pounds in tax a year if you're getting up to this sort of jiggery pokery when our backs are turned- take the wig off, and stop crying."
David Cameron
Why? Never before has a man who looks like a lazy child's entry in an egg-painting competition tried so hard to win the hearts and minds of the everyday scum, sorry, people as Mr Cameron.
Recommended song: Jay-Z's 99 Problems. Look kids, just because he's an MP doesn't mean he's not cool.
Simon's verdict: "No, just no. That was hideous. You sounded like you were having a seizure. '99 Problems but a lack of forward-thinking policies ain't one' just isn't as good a chorus."
England Football Squad
Why? What this country really needs is a national football team that it can be proud of. But we haven't got one, so we'll have to take a new boyband instead.
Recommended song: It's high time these pampered prima-donnas were brought back with a bump to the days when footballers had to sing. The nation could begin to forgive the calamitous displays of the last few years if they all auditioned en masse with a pitch-perfect version of something deeply embarrassing like "three little maids from school are we..."
Simon's verdict: "I'm not sure people are ready for a boyband with 25 members, especially if one of them dances like a robotic giraffe trying to roller-skate."
Peaches Geldof
Why? Musical history is littered with famous families; the Wilsons, the Gallaghers, the Mansons. But it's still very rare for the offspring of singing stars to make it on their own terms and if ever there was a starlet who's lived off their name it's Ms Geldof.
Recommended song: Naturally it'd have to be I don't like Mondays. If it's good enough for Bob to trot out at every appearance, it's good enough for her.
Simon's verdict: "I've got nothing but respect for your father - he's utterly eliminated global poverty for frig's sake. That was rank, quite frankly, but you're not a total dead loss. Run along to Mark Ronson, get him to put some horns on it, and we'll talk."
Cliff Richard
Why? As the decade draws to a close, it's becoming less likely that Saint Cliff will manage to have another hit, thus ending his age-defying chart career and robbing literally tens of people of a very small amount of joy.
Recommended song: He could sing one of his own numbers, or better still reinvent himself for the ASBO generation and stun the judges with a visceral version of The Dead Kennedys Too Drunk To Fk. Sure, he'd alienate his Christian fanbase, but even he must realise by now that his recent output has been softer than a dragonfly's touch.
Simon's verdict: "I like it. I like what you've done here. The new tattoos are quite striking, and you suit a Mohawk. Put on some trousers - you're coming to London."
