Thank you for reading blogrant services. To help us get to the source of your anger more quickly, please tell me your bank’s sort code. If you don’t know this, after the tone give the location of your first projectile vomit.

Thanks. We now have four options; If you are reading this blog in your own trousers, press 1. If you are having this read out because your eyes are tired from a heavy bought of Celebrity Masterchef, Press 2, if you are a fan of the number four, press 3, for any other query that exists in the world, press 4.

Right – let’s get you some help. If you spend all your home-time talking to the speaking clock and prefer not to speak to humans, press 1. If you consider the last novel you read to be the label on a Worcestershire Sauce bottle, press 2. If you like to hold up small electrical appliances up to your ear causing one side of your face to heat up, press 4, for all other enquires please read a different blog.

OK. So you’re bored stiff. We now have forty options for you. If you would like to hit the person who records automated messages, say “weasel.” If you have a dangerously bland voice and would like to train to be one of those people, say “ferret…”

If you have grown a beard since calling (which you must have) please read our blog for beardies, as we can’t help you now. (JT)

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