Thursday 16 Apr 09

Unacceptable Phrases

When the English language was being concocted I’m sure the boffins in, oh let’s pretend it was Oxford, had the intention of creating words and sentences of the upmost intelligence and usefulness. It is testament of this modern age, therefore, that the English human race has conjured up sentences and phrases of such pointlessness and irritation that even describing them now will make me want to end this blog with a controversial and foul expletive.

Now, I am not as condescending and sanctimonious as to start going on about the state of education and how youffs don’t speak proper. Nearly every manager I’ve had has failed to write an e-mail with every word spelt correctly and the tenses fully up to scratch. I rather like that. But let me give you three phrases that infuriate and drive me to my other hobby; killing:

1.     “I’ll tell you what you should have done…”

Oh, fantastic. I’ve clearly just cocked something up and you have come to the rescue retrospectively. That’s just marvellous. I’m hosting a party in five minutes and the meringues haven’t risen properly, then you’ve popped up with “I’ll tell you what you should have done; you should have ra de da da da…” It takes a great deal of arrogance yet spinelessness to cockily proclaim how a disaster could have been averted. If anyone starts a phrase with this prefix, please hit them.

2.    “you tell me”

The blood-boilingly awfulness of this phrase was brought to my attention by those cruddy adverts for the well-known telecommunications operator featuring Kris Marshall. This three-word barrage of arsewipe-edness is said by people that do not know how to answer questions and have never apologised for anything in their life. If anyone says this to you, shoot them.

3.    “Chill out”

Gone are the days when ‘chill out’ had cool and positive connotations; one gets imagines of bearded carefrees in tents smoking magical substances and listing to plinky music. Now ‘chill out’ is used by housemates that have stolen bread without asking and aren’t prepared to fully justify themselves to the loafy victim. It is important to confront those that steal bread, otherwise it sets a precedent, and should the reply be “chill out,” you have my full permission to ram sharp objects into their eyes.

I have been party to conversations that have included all three of these phrases, causing my toes to curl so much you may think I’ve stapled onion rings to stumps on my feet.

Person A: “I’ll tell you what I should have done.”

Person B: “You tell me.”

Person C: “Chilled out.”

Piers Morgan. Sorry, but I had to do it. (JT)