I have never watched a makeover or programme about homes or gardens ever.
Ian, my husband died of cancer in October 2004, he was 50 years old.
I soon found out Ian wasnt interested in improving or decorating the house but loved the garden thats more of a jungle now.
Neighbours often say Ian kept the garden lovely but I dont know anything about decorating or gardening, I was the one who looked after the children and cleaned the house.
Its so sad to see this lovely home become so run down yet I've done the best I can but the the firms I've phoned and asked them to decorate the house saw I was on my own and the house is worse than before.
I dont trust anyone now and thats one of the reasons I cant watch people having their house and garden make overs, because I sit here day after day wishing it was me and its never going to happen.
I keep the remote control close to me all the time now in case an advert comes on so I can switch it to another station quickly because I get too upset.
After I cared for Ian and then his mum (my best friend) who died in January I thought someone in the family would phone uk gold and say I'd helped so many people and been through so much could you help me but even my 2 sons are so busy they dont even have time to visit but my eldest son does what he can when he comes over from Manchester (I live in Chester) and they both have their own lives and its a mothers job to take care of their children not the other way round.
The sadest part is because of all the stress my youngest son doesnt contact me at all and I dont blame him. Who wants to visit a mum that moans about the latest thing thats gone wrong in the house.
I dont know who's in a worse state, me or the house.
But in my dreams I go to a house with a lovely big garden where Kip (my Yorkie who was born with a heart condition and is only 6 and living on borrowed time) can run around safely and I can sit and have people treat me like a celebrity while back at home a team is doing the house up. I've had that dream since I lost Ian and then my mum in law.
I have got to sell my home and find somewhere cheaper to live and I cant even get it ready to put on the market because I dont have anyone to turn to. Instead of getting any help I'm expecting the neighbours to report me to the council for the state of the garden!
At least if someone does and the council do come out I can ask if they can help me!