To dive right in, my wife has an old friend from way back. She was madly in love with this guy but their relationship was never anything more than platonic (or so I have been told). Anyway, over the years they have remained in sporadic contact and then many years later we met and married. I knew about this guy from pretty fairly on in our relationship and it was made clear just how significant he was in her past, how she loved him from after and so on.

Anyway, after about 9 years of marriage and very little contact with this guy we went through a bit of a rough patch. We were buying a house, had 2 small children and things got stressful. During this period my wife and this guy met up for a drink and a chat. It was then that all the old feelings for him came flooding back and she fell in love with him all over again. I know this because her behaviour around this time made me wary and suspicious and I eventually discovered proof positive of how she was feeling (had felt). We talked about what had happened and she has sworn that nothing happened physically except she found herself in love with him again but it was just a crazy period and she insists it is me she wants to be with.

She started therapy, with various aims in mind, including trying to understand why this guy has such a role in her life and why she fell in love with him again. Again, she is telling me that it was all one sided and that he has never reciprocated the feelings (yet anyway!!).

All this happened almost a year and a half ago and since then there have been good and bad times. I have asked her just to be honest, brutally honest if necessary, about her contact with this guy. You see she wants to keep him in her life "as a friend" and that I need to get used to the idea and not be paranoid. And this is where I have my problem.

I fully admit I am not 100% happy, not even 75% happy, that a man my wife was obsessed with and then fell in love with again many years later is still in contact and creating unrest and concern for me. She has had various meetings with this guy since the "episode" and stays in fairly regular contact by mail and phone (she has told me this) but she has also recently hidden things from me about plans to chat on the phone, which I came across and confronted her with. She doesnt seem to accept or understand that these kind of deceptions may seem trivial to her but cause me a great deal of anxiety. We are after all talking about a man she has(had) strong feelings for.

She has apparently no intention of not seeing him again and as he know seems to be passing through the town we live in every few months I am supposed to accept that she will arrange to see him, either with me their or alone if she pleases and that I need to just trust her. She tries to convince me that she has worked through these earlier feelings and now this guy is just a good friend.

So am I being unreasonable? Is it unacceptable for me to have any concerns that my wife sees a man that she openly admits she loved with a passion from afar when she was a teenager and then fell in love with again when we went through a difficult phase? Should I just accept it and let her get on with what she wants to do? Or is it too much to expect that she might understand my worries that maybe she might fall in love with him all over again and maybe this time he might respond?

I know this is a little long but thank you for any insights and comments.

Curious

Good lord man,im not surprised youre worried! First of all,good friend or not, i think its really unfair and unloving of her to carry on seeing him knowing that it hurts you- you are not simply being unreasonable and insanely jealous,as people often wish to convince us when theyre being really selfish and dont want to consider a partners feelings.If she had once been in love and then that had completely passed,id say yes,youve got to let her have it- if were too strict no marriage would last- but the fact that she fell for him again years later,bad times or not,means you need to watch this one. Im sorry,i dont wish to increase your anxiety and its very likely a case of wanting what she cant have (men are good at this too! human natures a bit crap) but the fact that it causes you such pain and she knows and carries on is what? Disrespectful? A bit mean? Selfish? To me,if you dont get the one you want,then you meet someone who wants you and you want them enough to marry them and have kids,then that poor blind fool with no taste has missed out and is in the past-full stop! However im oldfashioned and conventional about marriage,i think dont get married if you want to liase and opposite sex friends are only allowed if you definately dont really fancy them! Many disagree and say thats what keeps their marriage alive,being able to be overclose with others,maybe more. Thats ok if both agree but it sounds like you dont.You dont like this,its a worry and its unfair and selfish behaviour on her part-its hard enough to keep trust alive these days without her doing this,i think youre being perfectly reasonable and id tell her that you dont want her to see him again or phone him and if shes going to do it secretly,youre not stupid and does she really care so little about your marriage that shes willing to lose your respect and trust? If she carries on shes basically saying i dont give a xxxx what you want or how much i hurt you...perhaps she feels too secure that you'll still love her anyway and that you wouldnt do anything similar? How would she feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Just a thought.Good luck mate,you sound like a decent bloke- she should realise thats rare these days,appreciate and be happy.People are just too godam selfish these days,want it all.